RETREAT TO THE WILDERNESS ------------------------- Have just assumed my referee role - I understand you are to be offered 6 months free accommodation at the Guantanamo Hideaway at some exotic location in the Caribbean. I've been a referee before, and it is amazing how easy (& enjoyable) it is to lie convincingly. ---------- Well done. I was just about to warn you, since they just contacted Heather from Sierra Takeaway. she thought it was all about applying for a job. I knew you wouldnt let me down. especially since I have a lot of incriminating e-mails written by you... ---------- I rambled for a while without them asking any questions - they eagerly absorbed all I had to tell them. Only asked about the lawnmowing. You're the top candidate now. They might reduce your rent. Which suburb of Coochin Creek are you moving to? Did you tell them Coochinville was named in your honour? ---------- Ah very clever. Well I dont mow the lawn here...so it was a trick question. It's best not to warn, so as to enhance the spontaneity & hence the semblance of truth & candour. They asked about lawnmowing (could have been a trick question) so I covered that by telling them about your array of well-tended pot plants etc I hope Heather lied better than when I accosted her as a DEET rep in the golden days this real estate has various properties scattered round the outer fringes of the coochin creek area, mainly mooloolaba and mountain creek. from these regions it is only half an hour by stage coach to coochin central ---------- This real estate has various properties scattered round the outer fringes of the coochin creek area, mainly mooloolaba and mountain creek. from these regions it is only half an hour by stage coach to coochin central ---------- Looks like we will be relocating to beerwah, a major industry town in the heart of coochin province, and scene of some of the fiercest fighting during the recent halibut wars. ---------- An opportunist in a troubled province - r u a Halliburton rep? ---------- I'im just a standard oil man. ---------- Will you be renting a room above the Sierra? a marvellous view is to be had from there of the da Grisi pineapple plantation. ---------- Actually there is a pineapple plantation overthe road, owned by the Frizzo's... ---------- Straw. Here's my new address from Monday: 5 Falconer Terrace Palmwoods Q 4551 ph 54452587 Do not send trailer loads of sand. From Falconer Terrace it is but a short drive up the range to the Blue Moose which I will be frequenting even more frequently. ---------- Wrong postcode. I suspect this is a set up ---------- So what's with this move? - are you going to join Cav's stormtrooper squad (he lives in Palmwoods?) & do your drill every Thurs night at the showground? Mooloolaba's loss is Palmwoods pain. Actually I think it was a wise move - Samlaki has too much of an arab ring to it - you would have been interned if you had stayed there. You'd better acquire that lawnmower quick smart otherwise my reputation as a referee will be forever tarnished. ---------- Palmwoods..this is to throw Straw off the track. straw tends to help out when you move house by organising to have a trailer load of sand dumped on your new front yard. im going into the forests, have found a cave less than 2km from Troll's Gate. ---------- I see you have not responded with alacrity to my offer to visit Troll's gate one fine day. what makes you reluctant? ---------- What/where is Troll's gate? ---------- Troll's gate is the home territory of the Troll. its centred around the bridge over Coochin. ---------- Include me out ---------- You listen to the tv propaganda too much. come and find out for yourself what the troll is like. Your quiz question for the day: What will be useful as a suitable currency in the coming times of chaos? ---------- the caboolture Thong ---------- think again. it must be: 1. not prone to decay 2. valuable in itself. 3. fungible: ie when divided into maller pieces it does not lose value. 4. easily transportable. 5. verifiable as being the real product and not a substitute. ---------- the Thong is eminently suitable on all counts bar No.3. However it is a convenient size, and a wheelbarrow can accommodate several dozen. More than enough for the needs of the average citizen in the times to come. As is the custom in many countries, they form an attractive bodily adornment, and signify the wearer's status in the community. Many a brideprice in the Caboolture Shire has been negotiated in units of Thongs. ---------- In the greatest house in the greatest land, the village idiot shall take command" - Nostradamus, 2000 ---------- R U still out there in internet land? No. I'm moving every 3 hours between safe hours. halibut on my trail. ---------- Is there a reward on your head? We'll go halves. ---------- There will be on yours. Last time I visited the BM I stole your ID. I was stopped yesterday by a checkpoint at the crossroads five miles out of town and used it for good effect. suckers. Then into the forest and away..now I'm home free... ---------- Are you happily ensconced in your new Palmwoods estate? Furtive chaps in trenchcoats & sunglasses lurking across the road at the Upfront Club reading the 1 page local rag all morning. I fear this is all due to your recent reckless behaviour in the district. You will come to a bad end. ---------- Palmwoods was a ruse, to put Straw off the trail. he will buckle under interrogation. I am now deep in the forest. few internet cafes here. no one can trace me. ---------- I suspect you have formed an alliance with the bridge troll. an uneasy truce. beware ---------- Since your headlong flight to the Palmwoods Selva, i detect a distinct reluctance to engage in the WOrld of Blog. are you low on batteries? ---------- On 23rd instant, together with my junior assistant Kaitlyn, I had the opportunity to conduct an expedition to the Beerwah CBD. Upon departing that citadel of enlightenment, including Gone Bonkers & the Action Supermarket, we detoured to the Sierra Takeaway of which you so effusively write. I found it to be a veritable microcosm of the Beerwah & Upper Coochin territories. A small band of habitues were dining alfresco on the establishment's spacious portico. Not having an interpreter I was unable to ascertain the full extent of their converse which is quite indecipherable to any persons from a further distance than 10 kilometres, but was undoubtedly related to matters automotive if I judged correctly from the sound effects emanating therefrom. Having partaken of some of the tasty comestibles proffered by the redoubtable manageress, one "Heather", and after a slight altercation with a recalcitrant vending machine which was coaxed into giving up its paltry bounty by a local youth with rather unorthodox mechanical abilities, we bade a sad goodbye as the management & patrons farewelled us with a heart-rending rendition of that olde Scottish dirge "Will ye no come back agin?" ---------- The other day i viewed with some consternation the photo of the new Duke of Argyll, head of the august Clan McLeod, who has ascended the post upon the unfortunate demise of his father, the 13th Duke. My concern was so great that I wrote directly to the Duke himself, and without beating round the bush, stated that his visage was more womanly than manly, and reminded me of the weasel-faced John Lennon, the Chinless Man. I suggested this would put the Clan into disrepute and undermine its robust reputation as the great scoundrel and despoiler of the Scottish clans. In proposing a solution I suggested he stand aside forthwith in favour of a more athletic candidate [myself being one possibility]. Were I to take up the reins i would of course leave the pusillanimous Duke some residual post such as Admiral of the Western Isles, one of the innumerable titles he holds as the Argyll chieftain. He could then devote more time to the pressing issues of the ferry schedules between Mull, Jura and the mainland insead of swanning round the world as ambassador for the Chivas Regal scotch blend, an obligation I would reluctantly take up in his place. The bastard hasn't got back to me yet but will keep you posted. ---------- I eagerly await this information, Colin. your etc Rowdy Dawson ---------- Rowdy? thought you was dead. I bowled up to the BM on Saturday and the whole place was closed down. Only Jed was lying in the gutter outside recovering from the previous night. said he hadn't seen you for yonks... ---------- My death was incorrectly reported in the Boozerville Chronicle. We have a lot of mail piled up for you from your eager fans. Would you like it forwarded to your new "address"? ---------- By all means. I can check the mailbox every few days when the troll is going hunting. he gives me a lift in to town. ---------- Hi Cap'n Yes I'm aware he has moved (to an unknown location) & has fallen way behind in his emails. He is causing some concern to the Blue Moose patrons. 13 years is a long time. You get less for murder these days. Take your pick cheers The Brig ---------- Brig, I still havent heard from The Rogue Buffalow Boy. He must be grazing at a paddock out of sight from the Blue Moose Cafe. Cap'N ---------- doh - why do i labour in vain? ---------- Checked all those areas - no sign, apart from the occcasional KFC chip box & Newstart claim form. hmm Perhaps a visit to the Sierra could repay the effort - it is one of his more furtive haunts and was used as a base during his Voluntary Redundancy Campaign. ---------- You came to Beerwah on saturday? Sounds like you met up with the usual crew. except for "Fire-Bug" Jimmie. He often sets cars alight in the carpark near the Sierra. I've often said to Heather he is a liability for her business but she reckons he's just misunderstood. ---------- They were a motley band. I had expected the Beerwah literary set to be in residence or even the old codgers playing chess on the dappled forecourt but perhaps I was too early. Just the lads having brekky after a night's hooning in Simpson Street or in the railway carriages. ---------- Every Beerwah girl's dream:
From "Ladies Home Journal" 1958 Queensland edition. Can you receive pics with your new mickey mouse email address, Colin? ---------- NEWS FLASH It has just come to my attention that the Harrowing Halibut Horde were seen loitering around the vicinity of Samlaki St . I have it on good authority that an Informant (who wishes to remain nameless lest he be attacked by the Horde) saw the young "X" valiantly fighting the Halibut Horde armed with a fork and blow torch. Any spoils of victory by said "X" were quickly eaten so as to destroy the evidence of a fight and to give sustenance to his depleted frame. What happened with the fight is unknown as the Informant fled the scene as he was spotted by a Striped Mackeral who was in the area at the time. ---------- I always suspected that Samlaki House (aka CES Retirement Home) would be on the Haibut Horde's target list - that's why he escaped to the unknown wilderness between Beerwah & Palmwoods. Keep up the good work Cap'n - we'll track the errant "X" down one day. ---------- The troll is a complete dickhead. He takes me into town in his EH but half the time he is so pissed he falls unconscious on the loungeroom floor watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." Hence my infrequent appearances at the internet cafe. Will be heading up to the BM any time soon so get ready... ---------- R U heading off today? ---------- No today I am bottling my cider. I brewed it with raw liver. should be good. ---------- Will "the troll" be bringing you in the EH, or will you be jumping the rattler? ---------- By coach, brumby or salty old bushman's drover's dog I'll get there. ---------- By crikey - that's determination! I'll start boiling the billy now. ---------- R U heading off today? Water in billy is almost dry. ---------- You will not know my comings and goings until i arrive and depart. The resistance must operate to strict discipline and secret timetables... ---------- Very well then - I'll keep a keen eye out for a Scotsman on a pushbike wearing a greatcoat, boy scout & sunglasses. ---------- FOUND Young Trooper "X" has recently been seen loitering around the Noosa Centrelink. He presented himself to me looking well nourished and a tad soft. Trooper "X" stated reasons for his AWOL. He stated that he was last seen cruising around in the Troll's HJ Holden. He has since ditched the Holden and is now holed up at his aunties. Brig, you and junior officer Kaitlyn were very close to Trooper "X" as, apparently Sierra Cafe is a favourite haunt of his. He is currently training family members in preparation for a full on battle with the Halibut Horde. Cap'n ---------- Excellent work Cap'n. Your years of inquisitiveness as a CES agent have paid off. We'll soon have the bastard surrounded. I actually visited the Sierra today. The redoubtable Heather greeted me on the footpath with "I hope you don't want any tucker!" I made do with a can of soft drink. I asked if she was open on Sundays? "No way" was the stern reply. So I didn't wait till Sunday. I feel sure this radical new approach to Customer Relations could easily be adopted by Centrelink and would solve many of the problems they now have in dealing with recalcitrant customers. I recommend a visit to this esteemed Beerwah icon at your ealiest convenience. (Take a cut lunch with you). ---------- I stay clear of the sierra these days as she is always whingeng about needing a delivery boy. ---------- Are you suggesting i could be framed as the next delivery boy? ---------- Your name has been forwarded to the committee. get ready for an interview. I can't help you here, things hav changed at the Sierra since my time and I spent most waking hours cutting timber or seting up bear traps. ---------- So the much-vaunted Sierra was just a figment of your nostalgic imagination? a relic of the Golden Age of DEETYA redundancy. Now that you are a backwoodsman you must attend earnestly to your day-to-day survival. Start chopping firewood now for the next winter or you are doomed. ---------- Plenty of halibut in the rivers. oils for the lamps all winter. ---------- A grim life, relieved only by the occasional Sierra delicacy ---------- Rough and ready, but fun. I go orc-bashing at night with the Troll. ---------- You've gone primitive - you make Rowdy Yates look look an aesthete. ---------- Primal, not primitive. I'm a woodsman through and through. townies like you dont get to feel the wind in your hair or orc blood on your hands... ---------- Soon you'll be claiming your a noble savage. Nature, red in tooth & claw, will be your master. ---------- An erudite savage wandering the wilds of coochin swamp. not much on tv today for the anniversary of planes, buildings, and firemen. ---------- You have degenerated into savagery (& gawd knows what other vices) since our unholy alliance with the bridge troll. We shall have to dispatch missionaries urgently to your province to dispense the healing waters of christianity and to extirpate the fiendish culture now holding you in its thrall. ---------- The Rev Alexander McFinlayson came to us last fall and exorcised the well. We now make a grand whsiky from the purified water, "Troll's Blast." we plan to export soon but the troll is grumbling that he should be on the label. i said a pic of a slain orc and Jed's profile, riding a white mare, will do. ---------- An impressive label, but no doubt copied from the Beerwah Province Coat of Arms. ---------- Indeed the idea was borrowed from this source... Rowdy's coffee mug emblem didnt suit. or Ben's fire hat ---------- That wasn't an emblem you saw on Rowdy's mug ----------