WARNING - THIS TRANSCRIPT IS COMPLETELY UNEDITED AND IS PUBLISHED AS RECEIVED (sic). ONLY THE FACTS HAVE BEEN CHANGED. RACQ INSPECTION IS RECOMMENDED BEFORE PURCHASE. Did you know that Tiny Toodle's sister Doris played the part of Gollum in The Two Towers? I think the drought might finish them off, however they have the ability to aestivate in mucus-coated burrows in mangrove mud so 245T could be the go. Langley Court sounds nice - is it in Beerwah? ------------------------------------ Langley Court is the prime real estate site in Beerwah. Lord Palmerston the Duke of Arbroath built it when he fled the scottish uprising in 1786. ---------------------------------- Have that too (=245T + 24D) she wasn't acting. I think you're trying to pass off the Sierra Cafe as Langley Court ---------------------------------- You are being very evasive in answering my question wherein I refer to a possible nexus between Langley Court & the Sierra Cafe. It is very important to resolve this matter before proceeding with the Orange Solution. ---------------------------------- heather who runs the sierra once worked at langley, left after a pay dispute. the two buildings could not be mistaken. langley incorporates grand vistas of willows pines and meadows where horses gambol freely. inside, the sweeping staircases rise from a marble atrium and reveal a collection of 17th and 18th paintings of the highest premium. sierra has a breakers poster on the window and a small bush outside. cant mistake the two. ------------------------------------------ but WHERE is it? does it have an address, for example. Is it is domiciled in your over-vivid imagination. You have been reading too many Regency novels of late & your mind is fevered.. I suggest you "take the waters" at Matilda Glasshouse & recuperate. ---------------------------------- Langley is numbers 79-81 roy's road beerwah. on the edge of the pine forest. past the pineapple fields. ---------------------------------------- will do my pre-conquest inspection asap. sounds worthy of my new station as First Land Admiral & Lord of Coochin RACQ MBF -------------------------------- upstart riff-raff like you would have no place in this domicile. we gave you your posts, medals, commands and ranks, and we can take them away as well. we could even elevate Gerald in your place. ----------------------------------------- Who needs to be Baron of Langley Hall when one can be Lord Admiral of the Pumicestone Ports? What was good enough for Sir Robert will do for me. I shall retire to a book-lined cottage in the Coochin fens surrounded by my enchanting companions to spend the rest of my days thinking pure thoughts and cheerfully dispensing fairy floss to my grateful subjects. ----------------------------------------- sounds good, but duty interrupts! your commission is still operable, and the troll is rousing the rabble. in fact it is a small distance from the elbow on coochin creek [where the troll frequently forays for crabs caught in the eddies] to Langley Hall. ----------------------------------------------- I stopped in & had a look at your fabled Langley Hall on my way to Caboolture this morning. What a hovel! not fit for an Irishman's pig. It looked like it must have housed Kanaka pineapple workers in the late 1800s. one was still chained in the corner eating sago & tapioca. --------------------------------------- you describe it well, but you have the wrong house. you were looking at Hampstead's Hill obviously, on the other side of the road. this shit-on-stilts was built by the Gelonesi family, greasy sicilican pineapple farmers who had aspirations to become like civilised people. the decreptitude is due to the very materials in revolt over being manhandled by such filth. ------------------------------------- 160103 d = pence or pennies from the Latin "denarius" s= shilling (German?) there were 20 shillings to the pound pre decimal currency. in prior centuries the number of shillings to the pound varied - they were separate currencies what do you know about Guineas? ---------------------------------------- brilliant again. who but a genius could have thought of this. i certainly couldnt. the east wing of langley hall is being refurbished for your admirial attendance. palms and kangaroo paws adorn the spacious verandah and we have moved a few van goughs out of storage for you. any further requests? gerald is also being summoned for duty. ----------------------------------------------- no i won't be greedier. pleased you have come to your senses & put Langley Hall ahead of your principles ---------------------------------- it may be useful for propaganda to have a commoner inducted into the precincts. will give the proles a role model to aim for [hahh as if...] ----------------------------------- you mean to aim "at". They will keep their place now that I am their Admiral. Langley Hall will be a tight ship. --------------------------------------- couldnt agree more. you will find the expanse of power and prestige to your liking. you may remember some old grudges that are worth revisiting. ------------------------------------- what grudges i can't remember i will re-invent. ------------------------------ start with the gelonesi borthers across the road. i can't stand the greasy bastards ------------------------------- i'll teach them bastards to grow ginger & pineapples on prime hunting land. I've unchained the kanaka & he's heading off there now with his machete & loincloth --------------------------------- onya. greasy versus monkey. monkey to win. --------------------------------------- the kanaka has come home the worse for wear, but is carrying 2 spare heads & 3 sets of arseholes. i think he won. ------------------------------- well done Kanaka! feed him extra ripe bananas tonight and maybe a mango thrown in. ---------------------------------------- I'll drive him down to Coochin Creek tonight in the back of the ute & give him a run amongst the locals ----------------------------------------- you'll never see him again.. ------------------------------------------------- he's still on his chain and a long piece of wire. i trust him. ------------------------------------ the wire is 4km long? he'll choke for sure. that kanaka cost me 5 shillings so don't lose him ------------------------------------ only 50 metres - just long enough to have a short trot --------------------------------------- ok. keep him out of the strawberries. he tends to gobble them. ----------------------------- langley is a bunker. the kanaka is now domiciled underneath it the van goghs are great - i didn't know he could operate a bubble jet printer. i gave one to the kanaka but he has since eaten it. -------------------------- get gerald to housetrain Kanaka. gerald is at a lose end now that you are getting your pizzas home-delivered. ------------------------------- I don't need him to be house-trained. he is quite economical to keep & will feed him more of the van goghs for the moment. I'll get gerald to coach him for entry into the APS so that he can bring home a few dollars to maintain the estate. ---------------------------------------- sounds good. he coud get an AO4 in the lands department at caboolture. monitoring ceremonial grounds and cave painting sites in the glasshouse region. he could go round with his spear ---------------------------------- actually he cannot. he is an Islander not a TSI, so he will have to compete on his own merits, but with his unique personal qualities that shouldn't be a problem. ------------------------------------------------ other option: punt gerald and replace with him banana man. gerald use to bugger up the pizza orders big time eg getting neapolitana instead of classic italian. wears thin after a while. maybe he could be confined to weeding in the garden --------------------------------------- I'll swap his position with the kanaka - then we can't be accused of discrimination. Can you arrange for the usual embossed brass nameplate to be prepared? -------------------------------------- no problems. how shall we say it? "Kanaka;" "Mr Kanaka;" or anglicise to "Nigel"? --------------------------------- "Nigel" would be more suitable in polite company. Otherwise he may never become the Liberal party candidate for Glasshouse -------------------------------- does he respond promptly to command? do u wield a stick to exert obedience? ----------------------------------------- no he can respond to simple voice commands ------------------------------------ the high society in caboolture may yet be within his reach ------------------------------------------------------ his recent brief foray into the night life of Coocin Creek has prepared him well for his debut into Caboolture society. Will you second my nomination for him to be admitted as a member to the Caboolture Hunting Club? ------------------------------------------- why not...Langley could do with a regular supply of grouse and partridge. would keep the native boongs away also ------------------------------- gerald used forks. dont make the same error with "Nigel." Utensils were extremely uncommon, but when they were used, the knife was held like a dagger and used to spear morsels of meat from a central communal bowl. The spoon was even more rare than the knife, and the fork was rejected. The fork has had a long history of rejection. Even until 1896, members of the English Navy were not allowed to use a fork, because it was "unmanly ------------------------------------------- they were no forkin' gentlemen we're they? ----------------------------------------- quite so. dont let kanaka down. i am producing an experiemtnal fruit wine. the fruit has become a myceliate mass and the surrounding liquid is very sour and refreshing. i will deliver a cartload tomorrow to the gates of Langley. ------------------------------------ thanks. the staff, although gagged, will assist you to unload -------------------------------------- gagged for my safety or their wellbeing? maybe 'Nigel' bites when under stress ------------------------------------------ so they can't drink any ---------------------------------- delivery proceeded with out problems [for me]. i paid the servants in kind. gerald is stone drunk and had a biffo with 'Nigel' for being upped out of his job. nigel was restrained with the leash. --------------------------------------------- Nanette, Admiral El Jaz has moved his headquarters to Langley Hall, a majestic and historical residence on the outskirts of Beerwah. you are welcome to visit. The butler Gerald has been demoted to garden hand and in his place there is now a Kanaka boy we have renamed Nigel [his former indigenous name seemed more appropriate for a baboon]. The Bridge Troll has made many threats of late so we are on the alert for any troop movements through the swamps and fens of the Coochin. -------------------------------------------- kill more whales before they eat us off the planet.. For instance, minke whales eat vast quantities of important fish resources such as Pacific saury, sardine, mackerel, cod and squid. The Institute of Cetacean Research estimates that the total amount of marine resources consumed each year by whales is three to five times (300 - 500 million > tonnes) the annual catch of fisheries world-wide. ---------------------------------------- let's hope they don't return to the land too soon. ---------------------------------------- there are 1 million damned sperm whales who eat about 5 tons of fish a day. no wonder there is no fish left in coochin creek. [and i thought it was the pesticide wash-off from the pineapple fields]. ----------------------------------------- i'll bet on the dugong being the problem in Coochin Creek. alas Nigel failed me miserably at Langley Hall and I think Gerald is just content to potter around the ruins accosting lost tourits with wild tales of yore. it's safer for me up in the highlands now & Langley is now a bitter memory. I have no motivation to solve the fish problem. let the dugong & the coochinese fight it out over them. may the best cephalopod win. ------------------------------------------- hahha yes its a miserable sight. gerald doesnt even eat pizza anymore. try learning the bagpipes, it will be a sure cure for bad memoris. ------------------------------------------- I am practicing on a congealed sheep paunch which i confiscated from Nigel before I took the high road from Langley Your mates in Canberra sure know how to throw a barbie. anyone get singed? --------------------------------------- their worst trauma was when the gnome from parliament house rolled up to offer 'condolences.' i believe he told one young man not to worry about his house as he was being shipped off to iraq next week. ----------------------------------------- has al Qaeda been blamed yet? ------------------------------------ waiting on it! --------------------------------------- oh yeah, and how did u become Admiral? through merit alone?? ------------------------------------------ by other redeeming factors as well as merit. we've no time for mob rule here, we've a war to fight against the Halibut, Nth Koreans, Nigel, dissident elements within the CLF and the Houghton Council. Once these incidents are under control, we can hand over the reins of democracy to our loyal subjects --------------------------------------------------------- who are the CLF? sounds like you have a lot on your hands. will send more horse vitamins ---------------------------------------------- The Coochin Liberation Front which I suspect Gerald has formed in a fit of pique over his demotion to houseboy at Langley Hall. ---------------------------- i see. the CLF may link up with the Halibuts as well. you are in dangerous times. good luck, fill me in with what happens. im off to Rio... -------------------------------- a delegation from the Isles of Bute and Kintyre is arriving shortly to present a petition regarding something or other. i know these people well; they are tiresome and pretentious nobodies who claim some imaginary connection with the Scottish kings. naturally you do not want to mee them, so i suggest you absent yourself from the grounds and withdraw to an upstairs room. i have instructed Nigel to make sandwiches for you and for Gerald to provide doddering company for them downstairs until ennui drives them away. --------------------------------------------- some bastard offspring of Bonny Prince Charlie no doubt - even with Nigel & Gerald they could be deemed to be social climbers. will hold the fort just in case they plan to usurp my rightful possession of the province. --------------------------------- ah good point. one tends to overlook danger when it arrives in such mediocre packages. the opium crop is almost ready for harvest. this year i am confident we will more than make up for last year's disasters. ---------------------------------- now that we've got rid of the ideological fanatics (keep an eye on Gerald) we can got on with the real business of making $ at all costs -------------------------------------- Gerald was a bit player in a dog-day afternoon when the lairds of Bute and Macintyre wandered into view he huffed and quaffed and wagged his tail and ran slobbering to their side but not before he made a thin sly whistle for Nigel who was inside the labyrinthine stately mansion known as Langley Hall when Nigel heard the whistle his ear lobes stood on end he knew the signal [practised hard] so launched into the task and in a trice the sandwich slice of ham and pickle made he dashed upstairs with said victuals for the Admiral's taste while Gerald was a-wandering across the fields and meadows with the lairds in close behind professing the need for a side-door show as the main gate was mined and harrowed [though we know, no more than with a grey ghost's marrow] so the lairds in confus-ed fashion were led so far astray by the scheme of a plain and simple man that at length they grew alarmed and weary and stopped in mid-distress: "old man you've led us away from where we were planned to go now the spires of Langley hall are like glassy peaks of snow when viewed from meadows down below"- when gerald interrupted this - "sirs" he said "one minute more, i'll recalculate the longitudonal score let me see the tallest pine- one more step and it is clear, then we are on our way out of here" and with that he disappeared behind a copse of trees and the lairds at length they waited until all reserved abated they cried "we have been tricked: this fool has led us into the mire and here we shall all expire, with no guide back to the green; if only we learnt as younger lads the art of the chase and the hunt we'd get back home, but now we're lost now we're into infinity tossed on the outskirts of Langley Hall." and so fair ended a perilous day when Gerald made his secret way back to the stately home and upstairs went with a smile, content he'd defeated the lairds of the western loams so rest now Gerald, with a sanger or two while Nigel unstacks the cues there'll be billiards tonight and a few cards allright to finish this glorious day. ----------------------------------- Congratulations - you have been awarded the Poet Laureateship of Coochin Maddock ----------------------------------------- what is the stipend for this post? ------------------------------- Your emoluments will consist of one peppercorn & the fishing rights to that portion of Ewan Maddock Dam to the East of the Bruce Highway. Don't quibble - Nigel was happy ( & earned a livable income) from the fishing rights to the Sierra Beerwah. ------------------------------------ a good poem! mine was not a 'poem' as you maliciously describe it. it was a faithful reproduction of an article from the Beerwah Chronicle. i am not in the habit of embellishing true stories just for some trivial entertainement value. thank you. ---------------------------------------------------- Beerwah Chronicle... as a young lad, Nigel was taken in at Langley Hall. He proved a worthy recipient of his master's wise and careful tutelage, and quickly learned all the tasks required both inside and out. His debut into Caboolture society went off without hitch, and soon found himself in the midst of a busy social whirl. meanwhile the Admiral appointed him to the post of manager of the plantations, during which time Nigel increased production nearly 50%. However, as so often happens [and as frequently warned about in the fables of old] he fell into less than exemplary company. he began to visit the numerous gaming houses and taverns along the coast, often stumbling home to Langley Hall in the early hours. The Admiral was too circumspect to confront Nigel directly [an understandable fault] with the result that his management of the plantation soon went downhill with a series of blunders, and quarrels with overseers. The dreadful denoument was in some ways inevitable. One night Nigel was carousing with colleagues in the upstairs snooker room when fire broke out. It quickly spread through the ageing timbers and all those inside were trapped without hope of rescue. The devastation was discovered the next morning by the garden hand who had spent the previous fateful night fortuitously lost in the surrounding fen when chasing up a pair of wandering goats. After this, the Admiral found no stomach to rebuild Langley and returned to the Scottish Highlands. The gardener Gerald remained behind and found employment in a nearby residence. Langlry has never been rebuilt. ------------------------------------- This article was lifted from the English "Country" periodical so avidly read by the nouveau riche of the County of Beerwahshire & certain Buderim residents. Mr Campbell is to be congratulated on his discerning taste & transcription skills. To relegate his life's work to the penning of mere "poems" & rhymes is to heap cruel calumny on this aspiring writer. He already has a wide readership in several states and as you are aware, he actively & persistently encourages other budding writers in their literary endeavours. He has also been nominated and accepted as a finalist for the prestigious Coochin Creek Literary Award. We shall soon hear more from him as his talents develop. ----------------------------------------- quite so. i plant o write a 4 volume history of the region which will make Stan Tutt's work read like Ben Hur. -------------------------------- nigel is able to catch fish with his bare hands. i need dynamite. i may encroach on the western portion...the eastern side is full of car wrecks [2 of them ------------------------------------ i believe gerald can deliver on wheels any websites i require. websites and pizzas both lend themselves to home delivery, and he's the best. ------------------------------------ send sunbung bilawong round now with pizza. im hoping dubya's speech will be televised so i can laugh loud and long.. ----------------------------------- sunbung bilong mi i hariap quiksmat bringim kaikai pizza long yu yet. tasol. ------------------------------------ what is this Langley they keep talking about? i must have picked this up somewhere and then regurgitated it believing i had thought of it. how disappointing.. The upcoming war in Iraq war is mostly about how the ruling class at Langley and the Bush oligarchy view hydrocarbons at the geo-strategic level, ------------------------------------ Langley appears to be CIA headquarters. i would think langley hall beerwah may be suitable headquarters for biggles Intelligence sources said that the ISI-CIA collaboration in the 1980's assisted Osama bin Laden, as well as Mir Aimal Kansi,who assassinated two CIA officers outside their office in Langley, Virginia, in 1993, ------------------------------- now you know . As a former APS employee, you are still bound by the Crimes Act, and must remain silent on this issue. ----------------------------------------- mind you im not suggesting that Biggles and his gang move in. Bertie hates sambos, so he and Nigel would clash bitterly. ----------------------------------- Ginger could be the butler - he would keep Bertie under control as a scullery boy. ------------------------------------- i had a beer the other night with Biggles at the Golden Thorn. between you and me he is not too impressed by Ginger any more. I believe the adjectival noun he used was 'fuckstick.'