CYCLONE IN THE SOLOMONS Australian aid officials say they saw no evidence anyone had been injured when they flew over two cyclone-damaged islands in Solomon Islands yesterday. Of course there's no evidence. It disappeared along with the 2000 inhabitants. ---------- yes i read that..a brilliant understatement if ever there was one. the 'signs of life' they saw were likely hermit crabs and sea slugs seeking to recolonize ---------- AusAid has reacted swiftly to the cyclone disaster in the Solomons, ordering a boat full of supplies to leave immediately. the boat is none other than the Prince Frederick, the venerable paddle steamer which plied the Murray River in the early decades of the 20th century. ---------- you gotta be joking! if it was a paddle steamer it will be virtually flat-bottomed and will break up in those seas. do you have an upper storey you can retreat to in your flat when the giant waves come on the weekend? ---------- the Prince Frederick is both sturdy and fast. it will arrive in the solomon's by easter. no upper storey, i will take to my own paddle steamer, the Gordon Bennett. ---------- not advisable - that's the one that won't go back to front. ---------- The Prince Frederick is leaving for the Solomon's this afternoon from Port Coochin. Please contribute any spare supplies of cornmash and gumbo. also ballpoint pens, old magazines etc. ---------- Dispatching to you today: 100 X 200 litre drums of hominy grits (pre-soaked) 1 ton car batteries 5 tonne roof tiles 17 lawnmowers 10 boxes of chainsaw gaskets 5 year subscription to PC World. ---------- excellent! much needed supplies. i wonder if the AusAid official who commented there was no sign of damage considered that the [probably] 10m wave washed all signs of damage, along with the inhabitants, several miles into the blue realm of Neptune. ---------- probably not. anyway he won't get a job with Blair or Bush where no evidence proves the existence of evidence.. ---------- SEND MONEY NOW to aid the Solomons Islanders in their time of distress. With your help the Bill Baxter's Church of the Latter Times will set up machine shops, paper manufacturing, Bible translators and other vital services to the cyclone-devastated islands. sned only $20, $50 and $100 notes please. ---------- Sounds like a good deal. You can't take it with you, but you can send it on ahead. Billy will take care of it in the meantime. ---------- Dear Wil, further to your enquiry about helpig the solomon islanders in their time of distress. i would like to make you a once-in-a-lifetime offer: for just $1000 a month you can have your name indelibly associated with retraining the solomonisers. any still alive after the cyclone will be enrolled [by force if necessary] in the re-built baxter's bible college with an annual prize for best student to be known as the El Jaz Award. are u interested? ---------- my first cheque is in the mail - do you have the postcode for the Sodomon Islands? ---------- just send it to me, i will pass it on to the Solomites ---------- I suppose you will bless the cheque before sending it on? ---------- i suppose you could just bloody well send the money? may i remind you of the words : "it is more blessed to give than receive." i look forward to your prompt response. there is no time to waste. the Solomites need a bible college now. sincerely Rev Greenstein ---------- yes we mustn't quibble in your hour of need. $1000 attached. ---------- my virus scanner removed the attachment. resend immediatley in another form. i will then be able to put extra bibles on the Frederick . ---------- No more cheek or no more $ ---------- Inhabitants on the remote Solomon Island of Tikopia are still reportedly awaiting the arrival of the supply ship Jimboola providing food and emergency supplies such as car batteries and bibles in the wake of last weekend's devastating Cyclone Zoe ---------- now that you've unloaded my bank account and those of other gullible investors and camp followers, I think I shoould remind you to load up the Jimboola and have it set sail from Coochin on tonight's high tide. Your congregation eagerley awaits its arrival at Tikopia. ---------- 'fraid it was the Fredericks that you paid for. it got as far as bribie passage and had to turn back. send another $1000 and this will assist the Jimboola to get there. you wouldnt want to have starving Tikopians on your conscience would ya? ---------- I suspect your said vessels are not seaworthy - perhaps you could walk over to Tikopia and allay the natives' concerns. ---------- Dear congregation, one virtue i wish to instill in you all is a sense of generosity without carping. the good person gives without questioning, yea he gives even before being asked. today we have an opportunity to help the sodomites, and i know you will ALL assist me. any amount will do, whether one or ten thousand dollars. Rev Weinstein ---------- Dear Wil, thanks for your offer. please send $5000 and I will be able to send off the Jimboola. The gumbo has a short shelf-life [actually it's just been cooked up and is in cast iron pots] so we need to hurry. thanks again Rev Weinstein ---------- Glad to assist. There's plenty more where this comes from If only the others could match our generosity. You appear to have responded with alacrity to my request to assist you, which I must have sent before I woke up this morning. You are very intuitive and worthy of adoration from your gullible followers. ---------- thanks kindly for your help. Rest assured i have no intention [at least for the time being] of raising the issue of your business dealings with the Haliburtans. As Admiral of the Maddock you have undoubtedly privileged access to wheeling and dealing with friend and foe alike. I overlooked the imprimatur of the halibut on the engine parts you delivered. is there any way i can be involved? ---------- we can cut you in if you give us the contract to ship the car batteries to Tikopia. ---------- speaking of car batteries... the Jimboola was making good time down Bribie Passage until it hit some surf. seems the batteries were misplaced and rolled on the deck, causing the steamer to founder. the salvage operation looks straight-forward so if u could pitch in about $10,000 we can get this underway ASAP. cheers Rev ---------- don't happen to have a winch handy do u? get it and come on down this arvo. ---------- Your demands are insatiable. I had enough trouble manufacturing my $10000 note here on my bubble printer. just do one of your renowned miracles - in this case a raising from the deep. If Macartney-Snape can climb Everest without oxygen you can lift the Jimboola without the winch. I'll arrange for the press to be there to witness your miracle. Worldly glory will be yours! as well as the tithes from your Coochinese lackies. ---------- between you and me most of my healing miracles at Sunday Night Power and Praise Night were maunfactured. but i am sure you won't mention this since I am not [yet] raising any issue of your trading with the enemy. therefore, bring your bloody winch and be here by 4pm. the tide will be low then. ---------- You can count on me - will be arriving with the winch and the contract for you to sign. ---------- ok. anything i sign for is underwritten by the PTL Club so go right ahead. one more thing..it is likely due to our various maritime mishaps that the Tikopians have all by now perished frm thirst and hunger. we have a big problem to restock the islands with dusky natives [or native-looking] in order to fill the bible colleges and machine shops we will be building there. what to do about this? ---------- your political ineptitude, Reverend, only too well demonstrates the wisdom of our founding fathers in separating Church from State. Tikopia now becomes another jewel in the crown of our "Pacific Solution". It will become a refuge for assorted recalcitrants and ne'er-do-wells from the various detention centre around the country which have unfortunately succumbed to the recent spate of bushfires. ---------- Dear Anonymous sucker in the congregation i will ignore your insolence you as have come up with a brilliant idea. if we can win the contract for the black & white slavery tour and stay-a-while [or stay foreeeeeever] project we will be raking in the dosh. Tikopia would be turned into the biggest engine battery re-conditioning plant in the world. ---------- we're onto a winner here. we have a captive market, plenty of govt $ to splssh around. it's nearly as good as a war. ---------- war can be arranged between remaining Solomites and afghan refugees we drop there. dont forget 7.30 tomorrow SBS ---------- our market is limited at the moment, and we still need them to pay tuition fees & tithes to the bible college. sell them some worn-out dodgy old weapons that will miss or maim but not kill. ---------- the first arms deal has already been signed, for 12,000 british replica WW1 120mm howitzers. made at Kev's metalworks Kunda Park. im not sure sure there's enough land mass on Tikopia to fit them all, but who cares. we can dump them in the sea. we earn $2.5 million clear profit on this, with an annual service and maintenance fee of $250,000. ---------- no don't dump them all - ensure they get a dozen or so, then we can sell them the "ammo" & the training. (no need to actually receive the 12,000 either - I'm sure Kev would appreciate some simplification of the task) ---------- well the cheque has cleared...I'll ring Kev and tell him to trim the order down to 5. we can send a photo of the 5 placed on the beach and the department will be none the wiser. But what about the 700 Kev put on under Jobstart? ---------- send them to tikopia - get some cruise ship training funding as well. they can be tithed & their pay docked for their bible studies. ---------- Cruise Ship! brilliant idea...i seem to have that before from somewhere but nevermind its perfect.. ---------- your experiences in a previous incarnation will stand you in good stead for this project. ---------- went round to Kev's and rounded up the Jobstart mob. Packed 'em onto the Jimboola with 5 drums of gumbo and they're on their way to Tikopia as i write. i negotiated a cruise ship contract with the department [meanwhile neglecting to mention the jobstart subsidy should be voided]. $7,500 for each participant covering training victuals and spiritual education. our company is making steady progress. ---------- They must be all very xcited about their South Pacific Cruise and all dressed up in their crepe paper uniforms - looked very impressive in the department's newsletter. it certainly feels good being a humanitarian & philanthropist. You've gone a bit extravagant with the gumbo but never mind. as long as they're happy & have been told about the sharks. ---------- indeed, and "Gumbos Away" went down nattily as a caption on the photo. no supervisors wanted to go so the training will be self-supervised. however i have arranged Jules to send daily instructions in Excel via e-mail to their on board computer. i will levy the department an extra $26,000 for this service. the gumbo will last most of the way there and by then they will be proficient in fishing in the abundant waters. ---------- - or swimming with all limbs above sea level. that's quite a reasonable charge for the remote supervision service. the department will no doubt consider us favourably for further projects as a result. we should cultivate our contacts there , as well as our Job Network colleagues. I know they are freely available to assist us, but perhaps a discount on a future cruise? (with a smaall number of the trainees to look after them) ---------- i have developed many contacts there, and I 'oil' them with certain kins of economic aid. they seem intrigued by the natural phenomen of money flowing from the department into our company and then some of it regurgitating back into their own pockets. money flow dynamics is a curious thing. ---------- They are like fish looking out through an aquarium wall. intrigued but passive & non-comprehending ---------- but grateful. money multiplies effortlessly into their pockets. ---------- sufficient for their venal but trivial needs ---------- this morning the Cattleman's Bank Royale in Gulchalong [via Beerwah] was robbed. meanwhile certain crewmembers of the Foaming Thunder destroyer [a barc in your fleet] were observed ferrying large heavy sacks onboard via a runabout. know anything about this? ---------- yes this is one of our sidelines to assist in the purchase of bibles for the college. we will use all means to convert the savages. ---------- Admiral, ready the Jimboola! you will sail this one yourself. do u good to get out of the Maddock bathtub. Thousands of people remained out of touch and entire villages submerged under water as Cyclone Ami hurtled south-east away from Fiji into the stormy South Pacific. ---------- Tikopia re-visited - more $ for the Reverend? ---------- good point. the jimboola is rady to go. where the blazes are u? [let me guess, skulking out at langley hall..] ---------- In my command post at the Blue Moose Hotel ---------- and what solemn task detains you there when you should be on board the good ship jimboola? ---------- A contingent of Australian troops will leave for the Middle East tomorrow to prepare for a possible war in Iraq.Defence Minister Robert Hill has announced the contingent will comprise Army, Navy and RAAF personnel. HMAS Jimboola will sail from Sydney. Also deployed will be an RAAF reconnaissance team and elements of a special forces task group, including cameleers and the coochin reserve fire brigade. ---------- There is an internal power struggle between the 2 latter groups, stirred up by Gerald's CLF taking advantage of the absence of the BVBFB. They all claim to be conscientious objectors and prefer to control the deteriorating situation on the home front. They will heed the call to arms as soon as possible. ---------- intriguing... i give gerald the tip to win. frankly constable ben is a bit slow in the head. the sierra [contrary to glowing accounts in other chronicles] is not the fervid intellectual cafe latte set of the coochin west bank. whereas gerald has dealth with some pretty highbrow in his time..