WAR in COOCHIN Admiral Fludd negotiations with the Bridge Troll have broken down, and our intelligence indicates he has formalised military arrangements with the Orcs and the Halibut. I will make an announcement in due course about your role in dealing with this threat. Duncan Governor of Coochin Province and Thane of the Eastern Isles ---------- gerald's flight from the Azores is due soon at Lisbon Internacional Airport. He will the proceed to Oporto to pick up your never-ending supplies. his caravel will dock at coochin within the month. ---------- a *@#%@ month??? well, what about that ape-like creature that lurks in the shadows of Langley? cant he come round with a bottle of drambuie? ---------- nigel's on his way now by goat & cart. will be there in 5 minutes. ---------- excellent. this speech will be a ripper. how does this sound so far: sirrahs, As your supreme excellence i have occasion to write to you concerning the imminent fate of our province. I wish to shed light on how soon your miserable lives may be changed forever by the antics of certain miscreants who are gathering at our borders. i want to garner a sense of solidarity and confidence, does it work well? ---------- a superb start. this is electrifying stuff. they will eagerly await your first coherent sentence. can you finish it in time? ---------- i can send out a late-edition broadsheet if necessary. some argue in times like this the artistic merit of the speech is not important. i disagree profoundly. war may be won or lost on the aesthetic impact of words. ---------- the pen is mightier than the sword ---------- how many r's in trrrrrism? ---------- 3 (2+1) ---------- no i think its 8 isnt it? trrrrrrrrism... ---------- the way you spell it - yes. like the 6 vowels in "egg" as pronounced by Texans ---------- pack up yer trubbels in yer ole 6-pack signing up? ---------- i am fully committed to the defence of coochin creek. ---------- a wise non-move ---------- Official communique --- Government of Coochin Province Sirrahs, In view of the immediate threat posed by the axis forces of halibut and orc raiders i am appointing Admiral Fludd to be commander-in-chief of the combined armed forces of Coochin. He is a noble warrior and will conduct an able defence. i will be following preceedings closely from my temporary headquaters in the Bahamas [to which i am compelled to go to discuss important trade issues]. Hurrah Hurrah Hurrah Coochin will rise to the challenge! Duncan Thane of the Eastern Isles Governor of Coochin ---------- off to war in 48 hours. your super fund will, quite rightly, be diverted to defray certain necessary obligations imposed by the war. The Blue Moose has dry and comfotable accomodation in the bunkroom for destitute ex-public servants. ---------- A large oil spill is threatening to pollute the Coochin River. An emergency situation has been declared at the Port of Drambuie on the west bank of the Coochin where up to 1.5 million litres of crude oil has leaked from a ruptured pipeline at Gargioli's terminal ---------- call in the Nundah & Wavell Heights clans - they will soak it up on no time ---------- where's wavell heights? is there any spare room at the Blue Moose for Straw once his super is requisitioned? ---------- there is a room downstairs for straw, complete with bed - may have to share it with a Rebel MC member or whoever is being "tattoed" at the time ---------- MC? motorcycle? ---------- Motor Cycle Club ---------- do u feel up to the task of defending Coochin? i'd love to stay except for these damned trade talks. ---------- i'm a conscientious objector ---------- how does an admiral get to be a conscientious objector? ---------- very quickly ---------- looking over your naval career [for which I am chiefly responsible for ballyhooing along] i find that the rise and fall of your pacifist outbursts tends to go along with the fall and rise of peace ---------- better to live for your country than die for it ---------- allright, lets do a deal. cede over to me the wine stocks of Langley Hall and i will find room for you in the Bahamas trade talks, as long as you can find someone to take over temporary comand. anyone come to mind? ---------- nigel of course ---------- the ape-boy? ok, if u think he will do a passable job. send him over with the plonk this arvo ---------- didn't he arrive yesterday? he hasn't come back yet from delivering your previous supplies. ---------- yes he came with supplies. he seemed to have leprosy or something but otherwise as pleasant enough. where he is now i dont know, maybe stuck in a tree-fork in the swamp? ---------- HE'S QUITE OFTEN UP A FORK IN TREE ---------- Nigel can take the credit for anything that happens ---------- well Nigel is in command as of 9.00am. I have issued him with a uniform [an Action supermarket one suitably modified with some gold thread]. time to pack your bags at Langley and head off to the airport. ---------- Nigel looked splendid in the handover ceremony. you should have been here. the kitchen staff all cheered. slight change of plans...news has just come through that the airport has been cut off by orcs. no bahamas trip now. we will have to sit out the war somehwere else..perhaps Maleny or Glasshouse? ---------- as long as there's a TV there to take advantage of the latest media event. ---------- the Beerwah RSL has a big TV screen. we could sit out the war there, thouhg it may be a little close to the fighting if the orcs see the Action supermarket as a strategic target. ---------- yes it's probably owned by Jacob Finkelstein ---------- a good analogy in 'The Australian' Bush - Ahab; Saddam - the White Whale ---------- & how about Howard the cabin boy ---------- It's his turn in the barrel this week ---------- Admiral Fludd Commander-in-Chief Coochin Fleet c/- Langley Hall Langley Road Beerwah re: Final Evacuation Notice Dear Helmut, It is my melancholy duty to advise you of final evacuation procedures. At 14.00 hours a courtesy bus will collect you at Langley Hall and make for the Beerwah Pub. From there you can make your choice of domicile at the Pub or the RSL [wide-screen TVs available at both]. Avram's Bus Service advises me the bus driver for today will be Noel, and experienced and discrete driver. [I've been on the bus with him many a Friday night when rolling down to the Maroochydore RSL with Ben and Davo] and no one will know you hitched a ride on the booze-bus. Only one suitcase is allowed and destory any incriminating evidence [such as the papers relating to the Recreational Zone Development Project]. Nigel has been promoted to Field-Marshall which will encourage him to make a last stand. Whether Coochin, or the Halbutans prevail, time will tell. But I'm sure we will live to see another day. In the case of capture of the RSL or Pub our bedraggled appearance [I've got some genuine pineapple picking outfits] will render us anonymous. Tally ho and see you at the pub Duncan Thane of the Eastern Isles Governor of Coochin Province ---------- what a way to go ---------- Noel makes the trip a real buzz. he grew up in Coonabarrabran and has lots of bush stories to tell while the kilometres roll by. the trip from langley hall to the pub is more than 3km so pack extra biscuits. ---------- when the ice-cream soldiers march across the border tomorrow things will go rapidly astray. huge sandstorms will arise out of nowhere and drown them in an ocean of sand. the sand drifts will change shape and render the landscape unreocognisable. stinging sandlflies will torment them. desert scorpions will get into their boots, and death adders into their ragged tents. the fiery sun will roast them by day and freezing desert winds by night. Dying of thirst, arabs passing by on camels will offer to guide them to oases, but treacherously disappear into the blazing horizon and leave them more lost than ever. a terrible fate awaits one and all of the invaders. if only they had read Biggles, they would know all about this. ---------- or Henry Lawson's "we of the never never" ---------- what's that about? Noel has been held up, dont panic. had to get another script for his arthritis medication. will be there soon. ---------- its about the NT in early 20th century Those who lived there never never want to return there ---------- sounds like caboolture. can you make it down to the pub on foot? the road is safe for the moment. Noel has rung in from the doctor's. seems his blood pressure has gone through the roof. probbaly too many games of bowls. ---------- Noel's adventures are incredibly banal. I'll risk my chances at Coochin instead. ---------- Langley Hall will be one of the major prizes of the orcs. they are now pouring up bribie passgae from the east and along the Obi in the west. i'll send Ben round in the EH to pick you up. ---------- My super funds are tied to an American victory ---------- Aren't everyone's? ---------- Please note - As from 20 March all K-Mart stores in Iraq will be closing. Henceforth they will all become Targets. ---------- Fluddsy, how was your night at the pub? things are warming here nicely at the `rissole...the wide screen tv is blaring with latest news on the orcs...the beer is flowing...Davo and Jed have rolled up and playing a round of snooker...its gonna be one rock and roll day!! Dunc ---------- let the fun begin! ---------- any sign of rowdy dawson and arnie rasmusen at the pub? jed said they were coming down from the hills as soon as they fixed up the brakes on arnie's commodore... ---------- I understand they're caught in a dust storm near Landsborough - said they were joining a few old mates for a possum hunt.. ---------- trust rowdy...always changing plans. are u coming down the rsl at some stage today or hanging 5 all day at the pub? there's a chicken schnitzel special $3.95 until 2pm ---------- can't make it today - sounds good though ---------- its all go... A handful of explosions have rocked Baghdad at dawn as jets oared overhead, Iraqi anti-aircraft batteries opened up and air raid sirens sounded ---------- is CNN there? ---------- some cameras are in downtown baghdad. could be CNN, could be Sunshine Coast Local TV News, with Mal Brough. ---------- will there be any real estate ads ? could be some bargains - like a "battler's bargain" presidential palace. ---------- exactly so... Mooloolaba and Baghdad are sister cities in the World Friendly Cities Brotherhood Program, so you never know what links Mal has developed. i tihnk Kawana estates are linked with Hammurabi-town, an low cost urban sprawl on the west banks of the tigris. ---------- an enormous coalition of nations has rallied to our side to repulse this cowardly attack of the halibuts. this includes the Principalities of Beerburrum, Kilcoy, and Caboolture, Hut River Province, the Royale Greyhound Club of Morayfield and Shop-Rite Supermarkets. Albania, Poland and El Salvador wanted to join but we advised them not to get involved over their heads. ---------- Don't forget our 15 anonymous supporters. Unfortunately they haven't told us who they are. These silent whistleblowers can only add to our moral supremacy. I suspect one is Bonker Christian, acting assistant vice-president of Pitcairn Island. Jed Thornberry, an avid fan of the Dixie Chicks, has also given the wink ---------- Laird of Laredo Prince of the Pecos The Crofter of Crawford ---------- our support swells by the minute. im not sure, however, whether Jed increases our moral legitimacy. can he re-engineer his name into a principality somehow? ---------- maybe The Sultanate of Wildhorse. update the database. a near-sighting of the Bridge Troll. It ordered a pizza last night, but we sent Gerald to deliver it incognito. The address was Hangman's Tree two kilometres down the fenland track. alas when gerald got there only two dwarves there to receive it. they didnt even have the right change. The Troll is a cunning foe. ---------- Bob Hawke had a great time during the last Gulf War. He had a 'Situations Room' set up in parly house with a big diorama. he used to push the model ships and planes round with the big pusher and often snapped when some Brigadier got in first. ---------- it's a great game - better than monopoly. Has lost it's audience appeal now it's all on PCs. Still we can watch it all on TV, but interrupted with Howard's mournful monologues - the war's equivalent of commercial breaks. ---------- it was truly nightmarish last night. johnny was on all 5 channel simultaneously at 7.30. had to turn it off and stare at the walls for 15 minutes. a golden rule in my apartment is that johnnys voice will never be heard. ---------- we do the same here & ditto for Bush. listen to Blair though - his lies seem more desperate & unpredictable. ---------- i had phony tony turned off but no doubt his speech will be repeated 20 times today. the port town [Um-Qasr or something like that] has been captured about 8 times in the last few hours. ---------- coochin's sister city ---------- yes another port city. it does not have the same venerable history. saddam is up to his cunning best. more attacks on kuwaiti sand dunes: Iraq has fired its ninth missile at Kuwait since the United States launched its military campaign against Baghdad, but it was not considered a threat to the emirate, a Kuwaiti military spokesman said ---------- many a Scud is born to blush unseen, and waste its sweetness on the desert air ---------- iraqis have blown up 3 or 4 oil wells round basra. not fair. that's just NOT FAIR!!!! ---------- definitely a brutal assault on american interests ---------- Goldsmith: As aromatic plants bestow No spicy fragrance while they grow; But crushed or trodden to the ground, Diffuse their balmy sweets around. ---------- pure paranoia...there's nothing suspicious about Kofi Oil. Iraq's ambassador to the United Nations has accused secretary-general Kofi Annan of wanting to run Iraq's oil sale program and distribute the proceeds at his discretion port town Umm-Qasr has been captured 78 times at last count ---------- could be a job for Vincent Van LLoyd... The Australian War Memorial in Canberra is considering hiring an official war artist to create images of the conflict in Iraq ---------- in the ilk of Admiral Fludd and Tommy Franks... ON 8 MARCH 1917, Lieutenant- general Stanley Maude issued a "Proclamation to the People of the Wilayat of Baghdad". Maude's Anglo-Indian Army of the Tigres had just invaded and occupied Iraq - after storming up the country from Basra - to "free" its people from their dictators. "Our armies do not come into your cities and lands as conquerors or enemies, but as liberators," the British announced. ---------- needs to be won just one more [the 80th] time... A heavy firefight broke out between US Marines and Iraqi forces in the southern Iraqi town of Umm Qasr one day after US officials said they had won control of the strategic port, witnesses said ---------- You can't be too "secure" these days The yanks & brits seem to be falling over each other in their war lust. ---------- thousands of sand dunes captured by yankees... "We let them go for a walk in the desert, but all our towns will resist," Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan said, cautioning coalition forces not to take false hope from their progress in the west. ---------- very flippant. this is prime real estate. just ask Ozymandias ---------- too true dubya's sneer of cold command as of yesterday when things started going wrong the TV coverage quickly dissipated to zero during the day ---------- yankee intelligence narrows possibilities of saddam's fate down to two options... As Rumsfeld put it: "He [Saddam] is either dead or alive." Yeah, no shit. ---------- an astute observation ---------- and the "let's shoot something -anything is catching on amongst the troops. did you notice he was described as a Moslem and hadbeen/was cited for insubordination? I think he is the only negro i've seen in all the tv pics. Wonder what they're thinking? ---------- trigger happiness comes from lack of battle experience. in my first tour of 'nam i was pretty nervy and shot up a few villages. yankee morale among the negro troops will collapse in a heap. they will see they have more in common with the iraqi civilians than their white masters. ---------- seems like the iraqis have the audacity to defend their country and have their own agenda about how the war will be conducted. This must alarm Rumsfeld & Franks who had already compiled the program of events. Probably throws the TV programming into chaos also. ---------- Umm Qasr, the coalition says, was only tackled because of the need to import food and other humanitarian aid. But even this small, decrepit town a few kilometres from the border is proving a challenge. "At times it's been so frightening it just doesn't feel real," said Sergeant Dennis Flores, a 22-year-old engineer involved in the fighting. "Judging from what we've seen here, there might be a lot more work before this job's done." ---------- yes its incredible. then look at what's next: basra, landsborough, beerburrum. horror ---------- one of the captured yankee soldiers was asked if he had received any flowers from iraqis! another was asked what he was doing in iraq and he answered he came to fix broke stuff. ---------- having problems here too... Commander of Iraqi division reported surrendered vows to fight on ---------- they need to surrender several times over. anyone can surrender once. one report on saturday said yankee paratroopers had captured all the oil wells at Kirkuk. no news of that since. turks have outsmarted yankees big time. ---------- was predictable. Kirkuk is a big prize. must be making the N Koreans more confident ---------- he was just kidding. april Fool's day is on the spring equinox in iraq. They seem to have a great sense of humour which is too complex for the Yankee one-liners. ---------- indeed. pussies surrender once. real men surrender over and over. ---------- yes indeed. yankees should just stay home and watch Oprah. ---------- can Coochin Ck accommodate a few divisions currently stranded off Turkey? a few days r&r there would do wonders for the troops' morale. ---------- by all means. though, i must point out my previous comments re the marina are slightly adrift. it has not yet quite been completed, but some workmens' tents are available. leonard hut of hut river province has threatened to pull out of the coalition unless he is granted an extra $20 a week beer money. its falling apart at the seams. ---------- SIGN the province up as a member of the coalition of the willing & you can have your marina built by a pioneer battalion of iraqi POWs under the american-sponsored jabstart scheme ---------- ok great idea. which pows are these? the 1,000 who do exist or the 8,000 who dont exist? ---------- DON'T LOOK A GIFT POW IN THE MOUTH you'll have enough for the job ---------- i'll need at least 35,000 to dig out the mud and drain surrounding swamp. also lots of orc ambushes at night are slowing down proceedings. ---------- you need to contact SCRGL for those numbers of staff, not the C.O.W. ---------- C.O.W.? ---------- Coalition Of the Willing ---------- quite true. iraqi pows are in the hundreds, coastie boys are in the thousands. a verdict on the thug rating of the various regions. fellow who trains at the gym plays aussie rules, said the worst [most violent] team to play from the sunshine coast to brissie to gold coast is...BEENLEIGH. is this part of logan city? ---------- quite true. iraqi pows are in the hundreds, coastie boys are in the thousands. a verdict on the thug rating of the various regions. fellow who trains at the gym plays aussie rules, said the worst [most violent] team to play from the sunshine coast to brissie to gold coast is...BEENLEIGH. is this part of logan city? ---------- albertines may be the feral cousins of bogans. how feral is that? they could not be satirized... ---------- sort of bogans in gumboots ---------- down the evolutionary ladder: buderim - modern man: homo stocksnsharesicus maleny - modern burnt-out man: homo tofufengshuicus mooloolaba - modern coastie man: homo rumnsurficus beerwah - rural man: homo pineappicus beerburrum - medieval rural man: homo sombreforesticus caboolture - boofhead man: homo ughbooticus logan city - stone age boofhead man: homo ehfjholdenicus albert shire - primordial man: homo whatthehellisthaticus ---------- fine work by aussie troops so far. dozens of sandhills in western iraq captured. dhows and hessian sack rafts intercepted in the gulf. oranges delievered to the front lines at half-time. ---------- A mysterious Iraqi who calls himself Salam Pax, writing a weblog from the heart of Baghdad, has developed a large Internet following with his wry accounts of daily life in a city under US bombardment The traffic on his website, http://dear_raed.blogspot.com, caused the server to go down and Salam's e-mail folder has filled with inquiries about his true identity. ---------- It's jess not fair - Saddam Hussein "is fighting an asymmetrical warfare," said Brig. Gen. Benjamin Freakly, assistant commander of the 101st Division. "This is not tank-on-tank fighting." ---------- the numbers are against them in the long run - the iraqis are hard men - they've fought real wars up close & personal. no nintendo stuff so what if even if they do manage to get inside Baghdad? Napoleon got to Moscow too. could be another vietnam - they had no "exit" strategy there either ---------- what a disaster. sounds like the equivalent of the cruise-boat recruitment scandal in the CES. is tommy franks the worst general in military history? ---------- Straw, the ice-cream soldiers are melting away in the iraqi sun. they are getting shot down by farmers, ambushed by camel drivers and snipered by tea-house owners. what can they do to improve their lot? ---------- could you start knitting another chopper ASAP for the boys over there? ---------- tartan or cashmere style? will send more oranges also. rugby union is a hard game. ---------- any pattern - as long as it is air-gun resistant the SAS boys would love more oranges ---------- also seems not to have read a story called "war and peace." rapid advance across empty territory. enemy who didnt want to fight. supply lines too long. ---------- they're going via Bass Strait to surprise the Iraqis - a secret SAS recommendation ---------- captain W E Johns writes extensively about these crafty arabs who go like ghostly shadows in the night. like will-o-the-wisps... Scouts no longer look for obvious armed units but for a threat from any quarter, and anything that moves in the desert scrub and the shabby irrigated fields is potentially hostile. Soldiers were up much of the night and were left exhausted, meaning missions ended up being delayed the next day. ---------- and then there are the spiders that eat your face off while you're sleeping - only 999 nights to go. ---------- which biggles book does this appear in? ---------- don't know - it could just be a rumour from an old TV documentary. If Algy Lacey didn't mention it, then it may not be true ---------- i'll check in my system. every word in every biggles book has been annotated on my BigglesWord database [TM]. ---------- could have been Richard Burton the explorer, or Russell Coight ---------- nowhere to be found in BiggsyWord. will check further with Johns' estate. ---------- memo to 'el paso' cruise missile brigade yesterday one of our missiles went somewhat astray. Generally this is no big deal, in fact it was pretty funny to see this happen when we were in Grenada. But right now we have to get our minds on the job, because some of these towellhead countries round here get narky if we drop things on them. No one expects pin-point accuracy, and i don't care if we're aiming for Basra and hit Baghdad. But we've got to at least hit the right helling country. how the hell Mr Gonzalez could aim for Baghdad and hit a bus in Syria I don't know. Well maybe I do, since I've done this kind of thing myself; this kind of stuff-up is always a problem of mixing up latitude and longitude. so get it straight: one of them goes up and down the bloody page and the other goes left to right. get this right and the rest goes easy like sour cream over a taco. Jethro owes me a thickshake by the way captain Ramirez ---------- Remember that Michael Jackson is hated in large measure not just because he's a plastic freak, but because he hates negroes. Imagine being born a klansman in a black man's body! ---------- or Peter Pan in Satchmo's ---------- The President has said repeatedly that if any Iraqi soldier actually shoots back, he will be held accountable for war crimes. This isn't the kind of war where a nation can claim self-defense as a self-defense. We have received numerous reports of civilians shooting American troops who have shelled their villages and blown their children to bits. What they don't understand is that we are killing them in order to liberate them from a cruel tyrant ---------- Field commanders have pointed out that the Iraqi opposition has been much tougher than expected, using such techniques as hiding and being like really, really quiet. "I called in an artillery strike on one group and they just ran away instead of standing there and taking it like men. How do you fight an enemy like that? ---------- In marketing terms, they have designed an elaborate product without fully consulting the customer on his requirements. looks like a military Ford Edsel. ---------- maybe tommy franks will get a job with the olympic committee after this fiasco. i predict the yankees will be cut in two when the eye-rackis take back the bridges over that town in the middle where those two bridges are over the euphrates. ---------- especially if that POW who said he was there to "fix what's broke" can't get back in time. ---------- his exact words were 'to fix broke stuff.' i doubt the iraqis understood his syntax. but he is undoubtedly an excellent bridge repairer. ---------- they learnt this from the serbs.. Journalists have found out that US aircraft have been pounding life-sized models of Iraqi planes in Basra for more than one day. US aircraft and cruise missiles appear to have been uselessly hitting toy planes for 24 hours on end. ---------- weapons of mass delusion ----------
British troops reach summit of Mt Acongagua in Kuwait exercise ---------- Dear Reader, Would you be able to offer your services pending receipt of the said monkeys? Uncle Sam needs you. After initially including Angola in the coalition of the willing last week, the White House removed the country without explanation, as first noted by Agence France-Presse. Angolan embassy officials didn't respond yesterday to phone calls. With luck, Angola can be replaced by Morocco, if a report yesterday by UPI is to be believed. According to the wire service, Morocco's weekly al Usbu' al-Siyassi claimed that Morocco has offered 2,000 monkeys to help detonate land mines. An official at the Moroccan Embassy could not confirm the presence of monkeys in the coalition of the willing. ---------- A stupid Yank said to his captors on being asked why he was here to kill Iraqis. "I was told only to shoot if shot at" "I didn't come here to kill" ---------- it's "back to Basra" week. you didn't get an invite? ---------- this could be straight out of Biggles...especially Biggles in North Africa [this is the definitive text on the dangers of mixing it with arabs]. danger now looms everywhere, not just in obvious armed formations. Troops are on edge and are taking no chances - but that brings its own risk. Fear and nerves might wear them down, depriving them of sleep and dulling their responses." ---------- pray protect us as we slay thousands and thousands. praise be to you o Lord.. United States lawmakers have passed a resolution urging the President to set aside a day of fasting and prayer for the divine protection of US troops in Iraq ---------- daily combat report: Admiral Fludd reports his 4th marine battalion has driven the enemy off the outskirts of campbellville with at least 40,000 orcs slain. hooray for Fludd!!! no casaulties on our side whatsoever. ---------- Fludd, yesterday i went past Langley while touring the front lines. i think you should consider returning there from the RSL, as a couple of gabi-gabis have moved onto the front lawn in your absence. gave their names as Billy-King Smedley and Queen Mable but just looked like ordinary boongs to me. I fired some bird-shot at them and they scattered but i saw them creeping back to the fire as i went. ---------- The Beerwah Mounted Police (aka the Boozerville boys) and their wily trackers will disperse them ---------- good on the boys...nigel is working as a tracker with them? ---------- nigel's islander ancestry is of little avail in this hostile terrain of pineapples & extinct volcanoes. he has been granted a sinecure as orange-boy and water-carrier for the expedition. ---------- this being so, he may be of use in the gulf. can he capture sand dunes? ---------- has been quite adept at this in the past, during occasional forays at Coochin. gets a little confused after that, but he is nit the first or the last to have that problem. ---------- lads from everywhere are coming to aid of iraq...syria; jordan; assyria; persia; sumeria; the moghul empire; rus; the akkadians; the hottentotts; the coochinites; beerburrites... ---------- They would be nuisances - look at the Spanish Civil War ---------- the aussie mine-seeking dolphin has gone MIA. we should pull all our troops out now that our mission has lost its purpose and chief figurehead. ---------- If he wasn't in uniform, the Iraqis could rightfully capture him as a spy. Could be interrogated on TV tonight. Then again, he might be a double agent. ---------- behemoth of the pacific signs up for dubya's war... There must have been shock in Baghdad and awe in Paris last week when the White House announced the news that Palau had joined the "coalition of the willing." ---------- they're done for now ---------- tv footage inside the joint oprations centre. aussie desks are next to photocopier and the tea trolley. ---------- general cosgrove seems out of his depth. he has a very limited vocabulary but knows if he makes longer pauses between words it makes him seem more profound. our...trooops...are...doing...great...things.... did he mean capturing sand dunes or losing Flipper? ---------- a technique he is learning from Dubya, who, however can speak almost a complete phrase between a pause & a lookaround. he means the photocopying & the coffee-making. ---------- the Lion of Timor has become the Housecat of Qatar ---------- hahaha brilliant. look at this straw. wil is very witty. he has a long time to think up witticisms while he is lolling on the ivory keys at the Blue Moose. ---------- Yes, he looks a bit like an old desexed male cat ---------- no further sign of 'Ten Days' Air-Commodore on 7.30 report. has he gone a-droving beyond the condamine? ---------- and we don't know where he are ---------- "Ten Days" ex-Air Force chief re-emerged on 7.30 report to say he was pretty sure saddam was now dead. ---------- this is a repeat of the korean navy massacre on ewan maddock. lured into the western reaches, then cut off and annihilated. well done Fluddsy.. It may be significant that the Iraqi command forecast correctly the time of the US push on Baghdad to the day and indeed made little serious attempt to destroy strategically important bridges, lay mine fields at choke points or flood the low lying areas to impede the US advance. Strange tactics from a country that has had months if not years to prepare for this invasion. ---------- "Great Expectations" yet another novel by the last of the Bronte sisters - Donald Rumsfeld ---------- Fludd, the Maddock fleet may also require deployment. we want our stake in the geo-oil-ogical pie... Russian nuclear subs to head for the Gulf "The Russian Defense Ministry expects that the situation in the Middle East will change dramatically by late April, which might require interference from Russia, the Nezavisimaya Gazeta concludes. ---------- 'The Idiot' [Dostoyevsky] also comes to mind... ---------- Fludd, the Maddock fleet may also require deployment. we want our stake in the geo-oil-ogical pie... Russian nuclear subs to head for the Gulf "The Russian Defense Ministry expects that the situation in the Middle East will change dramatically by late April, which might require interference from Russia, the Nezavisimaya Gazeta concludes. ---------- did u know that Beerwah was formerly called Coochin Creek? i read this in the pub the other day. US soldiers backed by tanks have taken up positions deep inside a presidential palace in outer Beerwah and are firing relentlessly on Iraqi defenders, a Coochin Chronicle correspondent said ---------- yes - but then you can read anything on a coaster through your beer glass at the Beerwah pub. ---------- saddam killed this morning for the 4th time in the last 2 weeks. ---------- If you had been a Palestinian suicide bomber you could have collected $25000 US ---------- not enough to retire on. couldnt even fix up the lawns at Langley Hall with that. Billy-King and Queen Mable or whatever their bloody names lit campfires all over the yard. all this happened because you buggered off to the RSL for 5 days cos you were scared about the orcs and halibuts. ---------- saddam and his cohorts retreated into a vast bunker complex deep into the caverns and abysses of the earth underneath baghdad. From there they discovered an underground world, so vast in space it seemed to posses its own limitless atmosphere, and a bizarre silurian ocean with sea monsters - a world unto itself which the poets and explorers often spoke about in apparently vain hope and wonder. ---------- Jules Verne was right after all ---------- Sounds like Tasmania ---------- shouldn't be hard..for props just need flipper and 3 sand dunes Aust's role in Iraq to be captured on film: The Australian War Memorial has commissioned an artist and a photographer to document Australia's role in the Iraq conflict. ---------- howard can play the part of Gollum the Ring Follower ---------- U.N. has gone the way of the Coochin Conference of Nobles. supposed to be an annual gathering of the arstocratic "Nine Families" who left Campbellville and formed the new government in Beerwah. only lasted a few years and most of the time was spent squabbling over who would host the next years' meeting... But that old U.N. girl - it turns out that she just ain't what she was cracked up to be. She has been demoted (although she retains her high salary). Now she's the world's janitor. She's the Philippino cleaning lady, the Indian jamadarni, the postal bride from Thailand, the Mexican household help, the Jamaican au pair. She's employed to clean other peoples' shit. She 's used and abused at will. ---------- any chance rowdy will be in the moose tomorrow? he owes me a packet for the sumerian vases i sold him. [well, they were from silly sollys but he dont know that...] ---------- Rowdy will be in residence entertaining the troops with singalongs and other comedy acts - "Roll out the Sarcophagus" etc ---------- he was always the class clown. he burnt down crabtree creek primary school on a whimsy once. ---------- "I'd rather keep her for a day than a week" said Saddam
At last - WoMD found in Iraq !!!! ---------- yesterday heavy small arms fire from fedayeen positions prevented my proposed ascent to the eirie mount of maleny where lies the Blue Moose cafe in alpine splendour. will make renewed attempts next week, using native trackers. jed and rowdy will be summoned to assist. ---------- iraqis, the world's smartest people. gang of iraqis successfully robbed a Baghdad bank yesterday. They returned again today for another haul but were caught in their getaway cars. The previous day's haul [US$ 3.7Million] was still in the boot. ---------- they should have banked the money beforehand - very unwise to carry around large amounts of cash. ---------- iraqis deemed unfit for self-rule, says Rumsfeld. "If you can't even rob one bank, how could you rob the whole country." ---------- As Graham Greene wrote of his American CIA officer in his classic novel The Quiet American, "He was impregnably armored by his good intentions and his ignorance." ---------- A quiet man, with a lot to be quiet about. ---------- multi-purpose individual. the coochin saga needs someone like him to add a bit of acid... Honduran general Gustavo Alvarez Martinez, himself an evangelical minister, who was linked to both the CIA and death squads before his own demise ---------- much the same with Coochin Marina Development Inc. Scrub and Jack [the now delisted brokers in Kimball Road Buderim] assigned as an asset to CMD the whole west arm of the coochin river itself. stock prices soared. conveniently ignored the fact this was Troll country. Priceline, which did nothing except sell airline tickets over the Internet and had no planes, no pilots, no baggage handlers, or maintenance men, was worth more than the entire airline industry-by a lot! ---------- cosgrove the housecat is visiting the site of aussie victories inside iraq. sand-dune f117c will be the scene of the triumphal celebration. still no sightings of flipper. ---------- flipper is making his own way to Baghdad, thankyou very much, but he may have ventured up the Euphrates instead of the Tigris - could be in Turkey by now, knowing flipper. The Victory Declaration is eagerly awaited by patrons of the Blue Moose. they are assembled round the piano, but with all eyes (3 of them) on the TV. ---------- it's a busy schedule. I've left the day-to-day stewardship of Langley Hall to Nigel, and only intervene when significant mishaps occur. ---------- stupid dolphin. the kurds will barbecue him. The Blue Moose would be a-gog with excitement I imagine. ---------- alarming news. but don't panic. ive written to the PKR military to explain that the innumerable slurs made by you over the years about Kim Jong Il were tongue-in-cheek. the BM is *well* down the list of nuke targets. A man claiming to be a former North Korean People's Army general who fled the impoverished state last year has told a Japanese publication that Pyongyang secretly imported nuclear bombs from the former Soviet Union and developed dozens of its own weapons. ----------