THE BLUE MOOSE

Wil has had ample time to contemplate the vissicitudes of human existence.
the Blue Moose Bar and Grill is only lightly attended by patrons for several
hours each day.

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He is a publican?
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of sorts. wil works behind the bar at the Blue Moose Hotel in Maleny, and
plays piano there when required. it is not noted for riotous crowds.
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I suspect that he is wasting his talents there. 

Could he start training for the Masters in Syddie in October. We have never
had a piano playing weightlifter.
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 Wil is a maestro of the pointed remark. more than one uproar in the Blue Moose 
has been caused by him.
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Conan,

its a matter of who you know. Wil got a $500,000 grant to redecorate the Blue 
Moose in outback 'tin-shed' decor to give a real-deal aussie theme to that 
fine establishment.
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Glad someone got a grant for something whorthwhile.
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an astute investment by our c'wealth partners, and paying off handsomely.
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paying off for you perhaps.
i think it has the atmosphere of a car junkyard.
i was there last week and there was a knife fight going on round the tables.
the waitress bringing me my pork roast slipped in the pool of blood and spilled it. 
i still ate it but it didnt taste the same
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Road kill never does Andy..
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next week marks the final week in the history of the Blue Moose Bar and 
Grill at Maleny. theafter it will, due to its current proximity to the 
war zone, be dismantled plank by plank and piano key by piano wire, and 
humped over the ranges to a safe location, possibly the eastern reaches of the
Barcoo, a desultory and tepid river that seeps through an endless bogland 
of riverlets and billabongs.  I doubt it will recapture its former glory there.
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dreadful weather yesterday.  i was out and about, laying down the foundation 
stone for a statue of Johannus Waldemair [first explorer of the region] in 
the desolate border country adjoining the caboolture shire, when a terrific 
storm broke.  barely made it back to peachester and hunkered down there for 
the night in the Barley Groats pub.  they had singalongs.
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was it a live singalong or  was it leading edge stuff with the screen and 
the bouncing ball
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it was a fun night after the terrors of the rainstorm. even banquo would 
have been afrighted by it.
whether the barley groats can match the blue moose i dont know.
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many a patron has quailed in fear of the Blue Moose likker. and with good
reason.
stick to the barley groats if you want to see kith & kin again.
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and who/what be the likker of BM?
d'ya mean moonshine a la back-o-maleny-woods?
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fermented parrot-mix and horse pellets, garnished with left-over soups 
from the Upfront Club.
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sounds enticing...this is your own concoction?
and what be the Upfront Club?
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that's where all the alternatives & doan'wannabees hang out.
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ah..you mean the Co-op?
yes they are poseurs, the soy latte set; the moose is the real deal. even 
your parrot-seed alcohol is a work of culture.
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discussion are presently underway with Gulch and Sons, estemed stcokbrokers 
of Buderim, regarding raising capital for developing your parrot-seed ouzo
for the wider market.  You may wish to take shares in the new enterprise, 
or sell us the intellectual property of the recipe, in which case I formally invite you to nominate a suitable amount of recompense.

sincerely
Mr Smith [alias]
coochin group of companies
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there is surprisingly little intellectual property in this recipe, which is
a great advantage in this province.

based on the well set out company prospectus you have just issued, nominate 
me for a 10% shareholding in the company.
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are u saying that its easy to make? just throw in the bird seed with some 
water and yeast? or do u just let it rot in the bins outside?
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who needs yeast? that's nerd stuff up here.

we just put it in a bin under the leaking roof gutter & ladle off the 
liquid as required. our brewer recommends 14 day minimum
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you dolt. now you have revealed the secret...corrugated iron-flavoured water. 
the iron boosts the fermentation.
 
who is your brewer?
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Rowdy Dawson's nephew - Abner Cadaver
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i know him well. he used to frequent the skate-bowl next to the beerwah pool. 
taught me how to hoppy-half-twist-sumersault.  im glad to see he's turned out well.
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a slight pale lad not too bright like most of Rowdy's kin. they are all very 
closely related. he is one of our jobstart employees.
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perhaps some intergenerational inter-breeding. no matter, this practice often 
throws up some wild genes, like pioneer colonial spirit.
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went to the barley groats last night, this time no tunder duress. had a great 
time. plenty of smoked eel and cranberry pie. then joe pike on the banjo. 
finished off with a rousing recital of the coochin call to arms [from the halibut wars].
provides a good foil to the stodginess of the blue moose...
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very conservative here - we like it that way.
you want entertainin & such? - try the upfront club.
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well i do believe you yourself provide some entertainment via the tinkling 
ivories. or do u all that a cultural experience?
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admitted. but just the tried & true melodies the folks here are used to.
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some have called it the 'harrowing of hades.'
you have the power of an Orpheus.  many leave the Blue Moose utterly changed; 
they return to their bungalows and mansions all round the world carrying 
these infernal and rapturous tunes forever.
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it's true Road to Damascus stuff here - what we don't convert, 
Pastor Hiram T. Bones of the Holy Eucalyptus Tabernacle does.
(He's the one with the polka dot bowtie)
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pastor hiram, what a character.
but jed believes his apostleship is tainted by the cursed red devil of rome. 
jed never goes to hiram's meets.

we are devloping a cast of a thousand characters, like the simpsons on-line. 
have u chased up the payment system issue yet? we have to be ready to receive 
the rainfall of cash.
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See Tales From the Ranges
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freakish. your mind must go astral travelling at night.
if u can do one of these things per week this will provide added attraction 
to our daily commentaries from Bozoland.

get on with the payments system.
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 i walk to & fro upon the skies
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a colossus of the imaginal.
comes from all that liver as a youngster
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our bozoland site wil be captured soon by google.  better finalise the payments 
process. i recommend PayPal.
it will be easy to gain one million fans willing to pay $1 for daily amusement.
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how's your training Straw?
Wil has just put in a tap for locally-produced cider in the bar at the Blue Moose.  
washes down the spare ribs nicely.
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who wants to be a millionaire?
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with the cash inflow you can redesign the blue moose.
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and buy more mash for the brew
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the hard bit is to attract the customers. then they get used to the same
thing over and over again, and become dependant on it. eg, The Simpsons -
ten years strong; John Howard - an eternity.
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put "porn" & "get lotsa money" in as keywords
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the Barley Groats is putting on a show-and-a-half tonight, a boxing match to
kill for.
jed thornberry is coming out of retirement, this time to fight for BVBFB
veterans if he can take the prize money..but he's up against Jose "Rolling
Thunder" Meningez....the killer from manila.

betchya there aint nothing like that going on at the Moose...
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7.30pm as i write and its full steam at the Barley Groats. can't believe how 
great this place is. just had a pineapple schnapps for $1.50 and the pork 
roast is on its way. a blues band is playing Creedence hits. beats the Moose for sure.
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Had a wow of a time at the Barley Goats last night.  A few too many pineapple 
and cranberry schnapps.  Woke up this morning to the news that Gulch and Sons 
have skipped town, after securing the funds for the placement of shares to 
expand the Coochin Marina development.  Some of that will be
your money, but never mind, there are plenty of other opportunties out there.
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once our Bozoland business is up and running we will need some training days
to increase our management skills.  for example we can do hypotheticals
where we can only fit 6 people onto a boat heading for the deserted isle
when the ships goes down..who would we take etc.
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sounds a bit like a cruise fiasco i heard about in the CES
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training days are a lot of fun as well as educational. i learnt a lot in the APS 
and I am eager to share it with you.
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yes its fit & proper to observe 1 minute's silence before proceeding with the agenda.
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speaking of tall tales,Wil is a recipeont of a lot of them while behind the bar 
at the Blue Moose.  If u wash up there you can add to the pastiche of 
public service yarns.  the secreted rotten banana story is a good opener.
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Bit of strife on the western borders last night. don't know if Rowdy was 
involved but we laid out some heavy artillery for them.  On the way back 
got gumbo-to-go from the Barley Groats. their menu is imaginative and 
service rapid.  Bit different from the Moose.
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Highly Esteemed Patron
 
I detect a fit of pique in these and preceding comparisons between your 
Barley Groats haunt and our noble enterprise here at the Blue Moose Bar & Grill.
 
Have you not received the best of service and cuisine of the utmost 
quality from our highly qualified staff?
 
We consistently endeavour to apply the maxim "nothing's too good fer 'em" 
as promulgated by our founding benefactor and guiding light Leroy Crazy Dawson, 
whose grand-nephew Abner is currently employed here as spittoon attendant and kitchenhand.
 
This is the first complaint received by the Blue Moose, and it has generated 
much concern and lowering of morale amongst the staff, several of whom have 
already quit and headed for the Barley Groats inn.
 
Your gloating missives have caused considerable damage to our reputation.
 
Our Customer Relations contractor Jed Thornberry and Associates will be 
calling upon you shortly to clarify these matters. 
 
We look forward to your compliance, and your return to Blue Moose patronage.
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you are over-reacting.  the Barley Groats provides good competition for you.
and it can't provide the stale-brown cloudy atmsophere loved by backwoodsmen 
and lawn bowls afficionados that the Moose so ably serves.

just fix up the damn menu so there's more than spuds and lamb chops.

i will greet Jed et al with bread and salt.  ive had run ins with him in the 
past and the score is pretty eve.
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Fludd,

The Fenlands Militia was formed to rout forces of evil and darkness in the 
swamplands and beyond.  Volunteers have been taken from the local citzenry of 
all walks of life and are being trained in various skills, including
combat and word processing.   if u could appear at their parade periodically 
and lead the salute it would boost their moral no end.

Manwaring
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very well captain - i agree

am getting my pith helmet & pugarees done up with blanco at the cobblers.
my .303 is being cleaned by Abner - it looks very fetching but rather intimidating 
with it's saliva-filled barrel.

when all that's in order, will attend the next parade.
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sounds good. now just fix the damn menu. im not coming back to the BM until 
there is a curry on the menu.
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abner's working on that now, in his own inimitable way.
looks good - the smell needs a bit of work though.
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gravity-challenged persons are not permitted to prance upon our wooden 
floorboards under our stringent OHS policy.
likewise  Hugh Jarss the former Opposition leader
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Hugh J is a good bloke and its not his fault he cant finish a sentence.   
in 1989 he wrote a paper on ww2 and he has a fondness for airplane pics. 
so he should be PM in this time of war.
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could you send him some of your disused Biggles books & Kellogg's Cornflakes aeroplanes.
He's also an American Civil War buff - a strange interest for a former Defence Minister.
makes Keating & his clock fetish a rabid patriot.

could we get him to write a definitive history of the Coochin Wars?
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he would have them all.

as for writing the history of coochin...would u put Hannibal Lechter in 
charge of your animal hospital?

he would turn our purple prose into turgid cement.

im off to the gym so my final instructons is re-work the damn site before 
i see u next week.
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I may be making an assault on the lofty redoubt of the Eagle's Lair [aka Blue Moose] 
today.  be thou warned.
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I made a lightning raid on the BM a while ago but was beaten back by rogue 
elements of the Zandu militia. will try again tomorrow.
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saddam will out-saddam dubya. he's hanging round in some cave reading 
'Wheels' mags for a few years, will then re-emerge.
maybe he's holed up at the BM? can u check..
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who dares peer behind the dark curtain of the "Bad Attitude" establishment?
it would make the perfect hideaway, as well as the old shed nearby.
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wouldnt surprise me. lot a difters have hanged round there over the years.
jim cairns fled to the-then "Old Caboose' after busting up with whitlam 
in canberra.
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the flow of words has slowed slightly due to the bourbon consumption last 
night at the Barley Groats.  i'll stick to cider in future.
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you've a lot to be quiet about lately.
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we pride ourselves on the fact that none of our patrons have ever died 
whilst gourmandising at our establishment.
like the Cairo hotel with the sign 'The water in this hotel has been passed 
by the manager"
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I'm still getting over that bloody horrible meal
served me at the BM yesterday.  im getting a pie and raw fish to fix me up.
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it's a bad combo - simultaneously fiddling with email files & attempting a 
BM recovery. I saw it on Harry's Practice last night - not good.
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how interesting...my blinding headache yesterday may not have been from the 
bourbon but all the water and herb teas i drank to 'rehydrate' myself. too much water leads to too little sodium...

Despite the dearth of compelling evidence, then, What's the harm? "The fact 
is that, potentially, there is harm even in water," explains Valtin. Even 
modest increases in fluid intake can result in "water intoxication" if one's
kidneys are unable to excrete enough water (urine). Such instances are not 
unheard of, and they have led to mental confusion and even death in athletes,
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Water, appropriately diluted, and drunk at normal room temperature and 
atmospheric pressure, is quite beneficial.
Some problems have been reported where unconventional methods of ingestion 
have been employed, one notable case being in 1912 on HMS Titanic.
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the patrons are all agrog at the news of your impending visit. they said 
they'll provide the grits n beans n stuff. 
Abner's maw's doin the pickles and crocheting a d'oyley for the pig, 
while granpa is a'whittling a mighty big skewer to show it who's boss.
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and what flavour?
rubber tree and old rope?
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congealed fish shop oil & newsagent's mucilage
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a bold choice.  some would go for the milder versions. but victory to the brave.
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once you bite in, you have to keep going - they're all in 1 piece
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what flavour ice cream today?
wood-duck and beastie?
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can't tell you - it's a spontaneous decision.
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what a great name...

A mile to the east stands Halston Hall, former home of Shropshire's 
best-remembered sportsman and drunkard, Squire Mad Jack Mytton. 
He died at the age of 38, having packed into his short life more escapades, adventures
and exploits than a dozen men would in a full lifespan.
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He was a lodger here at the BM whilst defending it during the Halibut Siege.
Like Davy Crockett & Lord Byron, he died a true patriot in the cause.
The BM patrons to this day regularly salute his short but noble life.
A portrait of him, tankard abrim, adorns the hallway of our establishment.
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Squire Mad Jack Mytton wouldn't want to hear you emailing in that tone.
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  what news from the Upfront Club?
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As per your instruction, have just conducted a brief reconnaissance of this
hotbed of conspiracy & dank underwear :

Caftans & nicotine-stained beards & braids all aflutter in the breeze. 
A gay scene indeed, with the patrons basking in the new-found sunlight and 
chattering excitedly over the new Roundup-Ready marijuana which has just 
been granted an exemption by the Co-op.
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the bitter siberian cold is not daunting their outdoor fervor?
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not at all - they are sheltered from the boreal blast by their less
fortunate colleagues on the periphery - like a penguin colony. they shuffle 
continually & democratically so that all may benefit - a true co-operative spirit. 
you have much to learn from them.
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a phenomenon worthy of deep study.  is there a great squabble when scraps of 
tofu are cast out of the kitchen?
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They are very passive, & content to starve if out-jostled by the nouveau-alternatif
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the long turf war between the BM and the UFC will come to a head one day.  
i see the UFC moving ahead, sandals and all, into the new era of supertofu.
and the BM? stuck in the computer age...
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is this your cicumlocuitous way of saying that the meek shall inherit the earth?
we'll do in any bastard that attempts to cross the street.
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thus the chronic illnesses of the members of the Upfront Club.  Norman Thrash 
and the Lawnmowers is not a good choice for resident band.

Studies have been done on plants where loud hard rock music, for instance, 
killed plants and soft classical music, make the plants grow faster.
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use this to get rid of Rowdy when he rools up next time to the BM...

Downtown businesses in Edmonton pipe Bach and Mozart in a city park to drive 
away drug dealers. The Police say that drug activity had dramatically dropped 
since Johann and Wolfgang arrived
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music to soothe the savage sap
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read an article about an indian bloke who lives on sunlight, and no food.
sounds a lot tastier than the slop your employee served me yesterday at the BM. 
tasted like a cross between hominy and old clams left on the back porch for a week.
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we recycle the food as part of our environmental programme. apparently one of 
the saturday night patrons was sick so you may have been unlucky.
yer pays yer money and yer takes yer chances
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Straw,
when you visit up here the Blue Moose is a great place to take in the view 
over a good ale. Wil has done a great job with the bar in the BM; just avoid the food. 
I had a meal there yesterday and it was so bad i would have sworn I had made it myself. 
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Does Wil play the piano in the saloon of his establishment
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sometimes, but he is pretty busy. an old soak plays as a substitute other times.
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When Wil tinkles the ivories at the BM, the pot plants rejoice...
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what are u doing to fix up the food at the BM?
its worse than the Beerwah Chinese takeaway.
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what news from the blasted uplands?
it is a fair day for travelling..i may venture into the montainous regions if I 
can dodge the lowland constables 
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really? its perfectly clear and quite warm here...
i think you should move the BM down here and get more 
business from the vast crowds that throng the esplanade. 
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they'd bring too much sand into the store
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adds more fibre to the meals
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what about all the yak hair that rubs off the patrons coats 
up there?  
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there's enough gristle in the dishes optimistically called
'steaks' served up at the BM to give a concrete mixer a good workout...
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no more - it escaped down the Obi & was last seen adrift in the Pumicestone Passage
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what, the steak?
well let it go. 
I'd also change the name of the "Wellington Boot Curry." 
Your number two chef Abernathy said he receives few orders for it.  
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no - the gristle escaped
 
actually it washed up on the Chilean Coast last week - as a 13 tonne octopus
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no doubt consumed with grits & corn likker at one of the Jimna folks' moonlight howl-ins
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nanette,
 
When you talk with Wil, I would stear clear of the subject of alcohol.
it seems gin was the cause of his undoing. he was
sent with high expectations to the PNG hillstations
to bring order to the fuzzy ingrates. instead he lost
his mettle, and spent his days in the billiards room
of the Port Morseby Dutchman's Club, all the while collecting his lucrative stipend.  
This gave him the gin habit that eventually [after many years of this wastage of 
public funds] busted him out of the attorney-general's department.