Contents :
The Ghosts of QCAB
Nasal Knowledge
Where are the lads who held the line
At Caboolture’s front last year?
They’re at their post
But that’s a boast –
They have no ears to hear.
Their eyes do gaze in dull amaze
At the hordes that gather near.
The clients wait in vain to hear
Their name or number called.
But they cannot tread – they won’t be fed –
The claim forms are no more.
For Dawn no longer rises
As she was wont to do.
She’s at her booth,
But what’s the youth
Awaiting there to do?
"Take me back to ol’ Virginny!"
But you’ll find no comfort there,
For the maiden stares enraptured
By the photocopier’s glare;
And toner dust like ashen rust
Consumes her visage fair.
Our Ian grows thin beside the bin
It has for long been bare.
The listless clerks both fair and dark
No longer drop cards there.
Liz can’t return
The smoke does burn
In the baking carpark near.
And if she could
It does no good
For the door is locked in fear.
And Hilary of the Beachmere strand
Is ebbing with the flow.
Her forms supply
It does run dry
She can do no weal or woe.
And by degrees
Despite our pleas
We know she soon will go.
Though Wayne’s still there
He must take care
For the Sniper lies in wait.
One careless slip
And from the Lip
A barb will seal his fate.
* * *
Yet all’s not lost
Despite the cost
Of workmates once held dear.
One Earnest Clerk
Doth raise a bark
To his master in the rear
For ill or aught
They’ll hold the fort
Till Promotion comes back here.
* * *
But all else are still and staring
Why won’t they lift a hand?
O Monitor! Before we met you
We’d never lost a man!
Wil's Wonderful World of Nasal Knowledge
Wil is a Maleny Mountain Man
While some of the staff are mesmerised by monstrous and memorable mammaries, Wil is more down to earth.
He realises that Australia is an inherently dry and dusty continent with the obvious effect on the nasal cavities of the people of this land. This is the basic reason behind Wil's intense study.
Spanning a period of many years, Wil has observed people with obvious nasal blockages, as well as their attempts to clear same.
With this impeccable and ongoing research background, Wil is much more than a student of the snozzle. He can rightly be classified as a Proboscorial Professor. Being absolutely au fait with modern trends, Wil has applied his studies multiculturally.
Below is an around the globe journey to various lands to see how various cultures would describe 'nose pickers'.
In Australia, such a person is simply termed a beak burglar, unpacker or nasal noodler.
It is at this point that we leave slang and jargon behind, and become technical and scientific, as befitting such an in depth study.
Below is tabled the results of Wil's multicultural research in various languages:
English:
proboscerator (m)
probosceratrix (f)
French: le proboscerateur
la proboscuratreuse
German: pokenfingrenuppenosen
Yiddish: schnozzlegrabben
Dutch: honkerpoken
Afrikaans: der bikinjaber
Japanese: probo-san
Russian: proboskinik
Italian: il probossatore
Pidgin: man I kilim oysta
bilong face
Some countries place great importance on this honourable profession. In France the top frog is affectionately known as le Proboscerateur-Generale.
Other countries have a culture richly embellished with folk heroes.
In Australia we have Ned Kelly, but Wil is yet to ascertain if Ned was a proboscerator. This does not at all indicate that Wil is not an avid and enthusiastic historian. In actual fact while working on top secret and rarely accessed archives in remote outposts of the Fatherland, Wil unearthed some startling evidence which has been kept classified for over fifty years.
Wil has established the existence of a high ranking Nazi officer known only to the inner sanctum of Hitler's war cabinet
an officer so powerful he could well have changed the course of history
der Oberschnottenfuhrer!
Now der Oberschnottenfuhrer reported directly to the Fuhrer, and was responsible for co-ordinating a vast cottage industry to assist the war effort by the manufacture of substitutes for the following materiel:
gaskets
sealants
rain hats
camembert cheese and chewing gum.
In recognition of this momentous contribution to humanity, the World Nasal Institute have bestowed upon Wil an honorary Bachelor of the Bugle Degree. It should be kept in mind that a W.N.I. award is every bit as prestigious as a Nobel Prize, and certainly nothing to be sneezed at.
Spanish folk legends tell of a Proboscidor known as 'El Probo' who is a household word in that country.
Other countries attempt to promote this honourable profession to the level it rightly and justly deserves.
In Sicily an apprenticeship even exists, and a first year apprentice is correctly titled a Prebossa Nova.
Wil is yet to determine if National Training Wage provisions exist in Sicily for this apprenticeship.
An approach has been made by the Encyclopaedia Britannica people to incorporate Wil's knowledge in their publication, but no agreement on royalties has been reached at this stage.
The Britannica people realise that there can be no question as to the absolute accuracy of his work.
Wil simply NOSE.
Finis
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Copyright 1999