CES Story

Last Updated: 16 January 2000

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Life After Death

Contents :
Job Reference
Job Offer


PO Box 482       
Caboolture 4510.
5th April 1998   .

To Whom It May Concern1:

1. And well you might be.
I have known Ernest2 Edwards for a period of ten3 years. 2. "Six-pack".
3. Eleven bloody years too long.
In that time I have found him to be reliable4, punctual5 and hard6 working, and have no hesitation in recommending him for any position of responsibility7. 4. You can count on him to be lying under the table, zonked out, still clutching a dead stubby in his hand.
5. You can set your clock by him - straight down to the pub at 10 am.
6. Hardly.
7. Yair, like President of the United States, huh?. This gentleman has enough trouble getting his toileting arrangements in order, let alone having the responsibility of occupying your valuable office space.
Should you employ8 him, I am confident he will be an asset to your organisation in the same way he has been in ours9. 8. Gawd 'elp you!
9. He stuffed up our organisation, so he might as well do the same to yours.
If you require further information on Ernie’s excellent personal10 and work11 qualities, please feel free12 to contact me on the above telephone number13. 10. Just don't get downwind of him after one of his renowned pie and beer sessions.
11. He holds the company record for the number of sickies taken, as well as an industry award for the most original diseases disorders and disasters.
12. I will accept reverse charges as a personal gesture towards improving the GNP.
13. And then I can really tell you what the laws of defamation prevent me from putting in writing.

  Yours faithfully,
     A. Frogsmore14.

14. Patron Saint of the Unemployable.

The author accepts no liability whatsoever for any consequence arising out of the employment of the above-named person.
Any accidental benefit which may accrue should be deemed  an "Act of God" and you are advised to perform an appropriate Act of Thanksgiving by COB on the same date.


Job Offer

Vocational & Business Employment
5 James Street                                
Redcliffe QLD 4020.                      
31st December 1999.                     

Mr D. Edwards
3 E.P. Boulevarde
Beachmere QLD 4511.

Dear Mr Edwards,

Pursuant to your recent interview, we are pleased to offer you a position as Employment Officer with our organisation.

You will be paid a salary of $12,384.13 per annum. As you are required to use your own vehicle to convey clients to job interviews and courses, you will also receive a car allowance of 50 cents per mile to a maximum of $15 per week. No allowance is payable unless you are conveying at least three clients per trip.

Hours of work are 7.30 am to 6 pm. However you will no doubt wish to commence half an hour early each day to take advantage of our excellent programme of calisthenics and group singing.

Our dress code is business suit, felt hat, white shirt, and company tie. However, on Saturdays coat and hat may be dispensed with by staff with over three years service.

In order to reduce administrative overheads, no overtime is paid. This should allow you to attend to your duties without bothering yourself with tedious financial calculations.

You and your fellow workers will be rostered to provide the premises with firewood and cabbages for sustenance of the staff (lunch is to be taken at your desk) and as a charity to our clients.

We are a God-fearing organisation, Mr Edwards! We will therefore require you to furnish us with a quarterly return of your church attendances.

Holidays are taken in the first two weeks of December. You and Mrs Edwards will lodge at our barracks at Blurke House near Ipswich. I understand an excellent view is to be had there of the Swanbank Power Station. You and the other male staff will tend the lime kilns, while, as we have a contract with the adjacent prison, Mrs Edwards and the other ladies will busy themselves in that establishment's laundry. Children are domiciled at our camp at Normanton on the Gulf of Carpentaria. We believe these congenial arrangements foster the necessary group spirit and camaraderie amongst the staff and their families.

You will be aware, Mr Edwards, that with the demise of the Commonwealth Employment Service (may God rest their souls), as well as the impending doom of Employment National, positions such as these are keenly sought after and therefore we cannot countenance any delay in your response to this generous offer. We have no doubt that our attractive salary package together with excellent conditions of employment, will be favourably received by you, and we look forward to the commencement of your employment with us next Monday.

Welcome aboard, Mr Edwards!

                Yours faithfully,

                Ebenezer E. Spragg
                Managing Director.

P.S. May you be blessed with fortitude and endurance in the years that stretch before you!

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