Contents :
Ode to the Public Servant
The rigorous work ethos of the modern Public Servant
A True Story
The CES and its clients
Jobseeker Aids
Intensive Research & Development to aid the Unemployed
Instructions to Staff
Leading
edge Management approach to Customer Relations
Consolation
Career Guidance
Postcard
Even on holidays, work exercises the mind of the Public Servant
Letter to a Friend
Friendships forged in service confer mutual benefits in the real world
| Out with the old, in with the new; Let us make some work to do! |
The Public Servant generateth more tasks unto himself, thus enabling his masters to justify his continued employment. |
| At our merest beck and call The clients shamble through the hall. |
|
| Still we can feel good that they Need our taxes for their pay. |
He performeth noble deeds… |
| And as we gloat ‘bout how we said it We can build up flextime credit!! |
…at minimal cost. |
| But we’re not bereft of feeling – Bloss and Munchkins are appealing. |
He loveth all manner of cuddly little creatures. |
| I could write much more in praise But modesty my pen delays. |
The Public Servant humbly requesteth your leave, Dear Reader, to attend to his ever-pressing duties. |
It was a rainy day in Jolly Jobseeker Land, so Rangy Mangy Lion and his friends were glum.
"I have a great idea!" exclaimed Rangy Mangy Lion. "Why don’t we go down to the CES?"
"What a wonderful idea" said all the friends together.
So they put on their caps and skated down to the CES.
After a while, they became glum again.
"I have another Great Idea," exclaimed Rangy Mangy Lion, "let’s apply for some jobs!"
All the friends thought it was a Wonderful Idea, so they lodged their self-service requests and waited for their names to be called.
* * * * * * * *
The CES man pondered their request and called them one by one.
"I cannot refer you" said the CES man to Dumpy Lumpy Elephant, "you do not have nimble fingers for strawberry picking".
He told Fluffy Wuffy Puppy : "You may have been top dog where you came from, little person, but I can assure you sir that here in Jolly Jobseeker Land you must be registered otherwise you will be impounded and destroyed. I suggest you clarify your status with the appropriate authorities As Soon As Possible. Goodbye sir!"
"You do not have a bubbly personality for this receptionist job at the wrecker’s yard, Mr Rangy Mangy sir. Perhaps you should consider a Personal Development Course?" he tactfully suggested to our hero.
He picked up Wee Little Rabbit and placed him on the counter : "Unfortunately, Master Rabbit, this position is identified for giraffes only, so I cannot help you at all" he commiserated with him, "and besides, I just cannot envisage you as a tree lopper".
It was then little Miss Kitty’s turn. "Commission work selling lollies door-to-door may put your allowance at risk, Miss Kitty. Not to mention Other Matters" the concerned CES man told her. "Why not apply for this reception job at the wreckers?"
"You’re 13 so you’re too old, Mr Bear" he said to Bubba Boo Bear’s father. "Why don’t you give the young’uns a chance? You’ve had your day".
He called Robert the Rowboat. "You obviously have a transport problem, Robert, and I am sure that pizza delivery is out of your depth. Have you considered fishing?"
The CES man told Bubba Boo Bear : "You are not Jobstart eligible because you’re not 50 yet. You must curb your impetuosity lad if you wish to obtain a job through here!".
* * * * * * * *
The CES man was a nice person really, and he felt very sorry for Rangy Mangy Lion and his friends, who were now Very Glum Indeed.
"I have a Wonderful Idea" thought the nice CES man to himself, so he called out to them : "I have Train Transfer Warrants for all of you to sit for the Public Service Entrance Examination in Worktown this afternoon".
They eagerly collected their warrants and toddled down to the Snoozeville train station where Puff a Billy Steam Train was waiting for them.
"All aboard" said the Stationmaster as he rang his bell.
They all hopped in and were very happy even though it was raining. They all agreed "We are having such a Wonderful Time, we will go down to the CES again, one day, soon.
Improve your chances at that all-important job interview!
Our Special Services Centre now has stocks of INTERVIEWING CAPS AND THONGS. These are available at considerably below cost price and will certainly enhance your prospects of gaining full time unemployment. Financial assistance may be granted where applicable.
PRINCIPLES OF OPERATION:
INTERVIEWING CAPS:
These caps have a special infra-red sensor which can be tuned to bypass any brainwaves that may emanate from the wearer’s head. They automatically align the cap peak so as to point directly away from any person within interviewing range, so that when you are facing an employer the peak is behind you, and when you are told to leave the peak is in front of you. (There are additional adjustments which allow you to adjust the peak angle and to vary the deflection by up to 45° toward the LEFT or RIGHT ear).
THONGS:
Thongs are available as either both left or both right.
Only one size difference is permissible between each thong.
One-thong economy packs are available for part-time positions.
NEWS FLASH!
BRISTLE CREME has now been added to our range of Interview products.
Here’s how it works:
Should you inadvertently shave on interview morning, this cream will achieve the effect you desire – application to the facial area causes a rapid onset of grey bristles formed from salts produced by the body’s own sweat glands. The latest advances in crystallography and static electricity have been combined to develop this product. Upon application, the electrostatic charges in each molecule cause them to migrate to hair follicles in an evenly-spaced pattern, where they precipitate from the carrier solution to from the nucleus of a crystal in much the same way as stalactites are formed in underground caves. Capillary action causes sweat salts to move to the tip of each crystal where evaporation causes the crystal to continually extend, thus producing the bristle-like appearance.
Field trials with live clients have verified that the rapid increase in sweating as a job offer appears imminent causes a corresponding acceleration of bristle growth, thus achieving the desired effect.
Footnote:
Equal Opportunity employers are said to be More Than Favourably Impressed by women applicants of all sexes who use Bristle Cream as the secret weapon in their interview armoury! Girls, take note.
Warning:
Please use the product sparingly, as over-application results in coral-like encrustations, which can confuse prospective employers.
ADDENDUM TO INTERVIEW CAP INSTRUCTIONS:
The adjusting mechanism for the interview caps has been refined so that adjustments may be made discreetly while your interview is in progress.
The mechanism is contained within a Phantom Ring and is activated by pretending to pick your nose with the ring finger. This manouevre, while not entirely inconspicuous, would be consistent with the general tenor of your interview, and thus would not unduly alarm the employer.
Another valuable contribution from our ever-vigilant R & D Branch.
| To improve the effectiveness of your communications and to
establish rapport with our clients, please adhere to these guidelines when contacting your clients by mail :. |
P.O. Box 1234
|
Your address and contact details must be such as to forestall any future attempts by the client to communicate with you. |
| Mr M. Ployer Acme Road Runner Courier Service P.O. Box 9876 Somewhere 2001. Dear Sir, |
|
| We are in receipt of your claim for wage subsidy for Rastus Magoo for the period 21st April 1998 to 18th May 1998, wherein you indicate that a total of 66.5 hours were worked by Rastus in that period. | A formal preamble is recommended to help disguise the subsequent inanities which are certain to occur in your letter. |
| Clause 7 of the Terms and Conditions of the
Agreement states, inter alia, that : "For a part-time or casual job, Subsidy is not payable for any Claim Period where the Employee works less than the average of 20 hours per week". |
Any reasons for rejection must be clearly identified. |
| In this case, your employee has worked an average of 16.665 hours per week over the 4 week claim period. | Impress the client and your supervisor with your skills in basic arithmetic! |
We regret therefore that we are presently unable to pay your "claim" for subsidy for this period. |
It is essential to use discretion clarity and tact at the salient point in your communication. |
Suggest measures which the client can take to overcome the problem. |
|
| A copy of your claim is enclosed for your
information. Yours faithfully, |
|
| A. Bcdef , Programs Officer | Use another officer’s name if possible |
| P.S. You would no doubt be aware, Mr Employer, that the lot of a Public Servant is not generally a cheery one, and it is the receipt of claims such as yours which provides us with the happy combination of a substantial saving to the Commonwealth (and hence to yourself as a concerned taxpayer) as well as offering the staff some small modicum of merriment and levity in the day’s proceedings. |
Thank the client for his contribution to the effectiveness and morale of the organisation |
| May we take this opportunity, not only to extend to you one’s best wishes for the forthcoming birthday of our sovereign lady the Queen, but also to convey to you our heartfelt appreciation and gratitude for your communication, and to inform you that we eagerly await the lodgment of your next claim. | If you can offer other
benefits to the client, please do so, but at minimal cost to your employer. |
Say not the application faileth,
The supervisor doth report in vain.
Of former hope - some yet remaineth;
And lo! The Merit Listing shall be viewed again!
To : Mr Ian Peters
Deputy Manager
**** CES.
It was a bright and sunny day, so Dad packed the things in the car, and off we went.
On the way, we saw a brown cow. As I did not have its registration number, I was unable to determine whether or not it was unemployed and so I did not update its skill codes.
Hervey Bay is a nice place, but only on the eastern side of the low water mark. The people here are so laid back, they have tans on the soles of their feet.
The C.E.S. here is fairly quiet. They had a bit of a scare here though, the other day. Apparently a client lodged a self-service request for the job displayed there. However he eventually talked them out of referring him, so everything was OK eventually.
You will be pleased to know that my thong collection is coming along fine. As you know, I am Official Collector for our local Hospital Board. They are using them in their brain transplant program*, and are making rapid advances in improving the overall IQ level in the shire.
I’m afraid I am unable to reveal more at this stage, but a full report will be submitted on my return.
From : Self-Service Agent AGS 708-14307
On a special secret
assignment.
*This particular procedure is in keen demand by acting ASO4's wishing to fast-track their careers through the Department.
19 Parole Avenue
Beachmere QLD 4510.
20th August 1996.
Dear Sue,
As you can see from the attached clipping from the Beachmere Fishwrapper, I have now ceased work, and have set up my own business as a Newstart consultant.
How are you anyway? I hear Paul is in the hardware business and therefore discounts may be in the offing?
Ken has also retired. Did you know he was an ASO5? That is Assistant Sanitary Officer No. 5 at the Club Hotel. All his friends Daryl & Motu chipped in and bought him a foam stubby-holder which they have both signed. He got a package, and the doctor has put him on a course of treatment which should get him over all but the worst of it.
Ken has really come into his own since his retirement (please don’t be vulgar). He has hired a lad under the Jobstart scheme as a trainee trolleyologist to collect his supplies from the local Bowls Club and has received a grant to construct a covered pathway from our place to the clubhouse. P.S . don’t forget the discount.
We have sold our acreage property and moved into the township, and as luck would have it, our place is on the route between E.P. Boulevarde and the aforementioned club! We have set up an entertainment lounge under the house, and on Saturdays, I take turns with my neighbour, who is a Supporting Parent, to "entertain the troops" so to speak. And a rollicking good time we have of it too. Many’s the tale I could tell you of the hi jinx and goings on here!
We relax on Sundays and spend our time on the Beachmere sandflats, and have become regular identities. The youngsters call us "Maw and Paw Mangrove" and have become quite fond of us. We relax in our deckchairs, I in my crutchless woollen swimsuit which Ken’s mother made for us when she was on our honeymoon at Sandgate (she stayed up all night with us to get the measurements just right), while Ken lolls about in his sandals and socks with his knotted handkerchief on his head, and precious little else. We always have a competition to see who can count to seven hundred first. I win every time, as poor old Ken’s eyes glaze over when he gets to one hundred and starts again from scratch. The young’uns snicker at him, but I always say to them "Haven’t you seen Maths in Action?".
Ken’s son Sebastian is currently staying with us, together with his little friend David. They have borrowed my black lace evening gown and take turns wearing it. They spend a lot of time in their room. David tells me Sebastian is practising to be an Anglican priest and is becoming damn good at it. Just a reminder to you that Seb is Jobstart eligible, so if you’re looking for a telemarketer or tea’n’tidy, Sebestian’s your man!
As part of our business enterprise, Ken has leased a corner of the "Newstart" Lounge at the Bowls Club, and has taken on several trainees. We have acquired some puce and vermilion cubicle partitions from the local C.E.S. office and they add a tasteful touch to the décor. We need more building materials.
It has been nice writing to you. Please reply as soon as possible, together with your catalogue and discounts, and don’t forget the Jobstart.
Your sincere friend and future business associate,
Nolene.
Jobstart : A government-subsidised employment programme.
Newstart : Modern day euphemism for Unemployment
C.E.S. : Commonwealth Employment Service. Now
deceased.
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Copyright 1999