Contents :
The Alamo Chronicles
Caboolture Alamo Falls
Caboolture Alamo Re-visited
Tragedy at Sea
Court-Martial of Captain Chadwick
Address to the Nation
A Message from Her Majesty
Battle Orders to Captain Chadwick
Mentioned in Dispatches
The Gut Wrenching Saga of The Fall of QCAB
The first warning of the impending doom of QCAB was this dispatch broadcast to Captain Chadwick of the Warana CES in the Easter client uprising of 1997 :
URGENT DISPATCH * URGENT DISPATCH * URGENT DISPATCH *
URGENT DISPATCH * URGENT DISPATCH * URGENT DISPATCH
Caboolture Depot under siege by vast hordes
Alamo conditions prevail
Chaos disorder and confusion in the ranks
General Steward fading fast
Captain Chadwick and all forces under her command are required to proceed without delay to their assistance. Please mount your tambourine and don’t forget the Z-car.
Signed in the last drop of his blood……………………Brigadier Cooper
QCAB : DEET High Command codename for the Caboolture CES, as devised and
recommended by ASIO, where Q = Queensland, CAB = Caboolture (are you with me?). It is
believed the cracking of this code by cyphergeeks was a factor in the fall of QCAB.
The official report acknowledging the defeat of all CES forces at Caboolture, issued by DEET High Command on Easter Monday :
Their last desperate call was in vain.
The Warana Tabernacle Squad FTR’d in inglorious circumstances.
Brigadier Cooper and General Steward are to be awarded posthumous V.C.’s and a state funeral is to be conducted, with the coffins borne upon gun carriages pulled by a herd of acting AS04s marching to the Cecil B. De Mille trudge and the beat of muffled drums.
Captain Chadwick is respectfully invited to attend the service with telephone at half- mast and tambourine at the slow wobble.
A last request from the fallen was that "High Noon" be played at their final despatch. They also felt that "Big John" should be played for Admiral Davis who was last seen steaming out of Beachmere Heads towards the wide Pacific.
LEST WE FORGET
DEET : Don't
Employ Enny Teenagers. The obvious
deficiencies in this acronym were corrected by Dr Kemp, who cunningly changed it to DEETYA
prior to the eradication of the CES.
DEETYA : Don't Even Ettempt Training
Young Australians.
FTR : Failed To
Report
An article by Damien Pilger, war correspondent, who visited the battlefield one week after the defeat :
Poignant Relics of a Valiant Struggle
Where the battle was thickest, all is quiet now, save where the wind rustles those little banners symbolising each man’s private battle – the pink Performance Indicator Sheets.
Amid the tangled wreckage of Booth 2, a tattered remnant from Brigadier Cooper reveals a grisly tale of endurance against all odds. Even before opening time on that final day, the Brigadier had recorded 37 Austudy interviews and 16 self-service requests by unregistered jobseekers. His last recorded entry was made at 1000 hours, but is rendered indistinct by coffee stains and chip grease - a truly frightful passport to eternity.
In Cubicle 3, General Steward fought his last fight – his sheet registers 15 consecutive numbers between 10 and 20 – a feat beyond that of any other mortal. But the great Steward fell at 1025 when his number button melted.
His G.P. (Guinea Pig) was in attendance.
Of Trooper Coghill and his sheet not a trace remains. One can only surmise with horror and unmitigated grief on the fate of this noble warrior.
THEIR NAME LIVETH FOR EVERMORE
Damien Pilger continues his ever-popular series of articles on the battle :
A Sad Post-Script to the Caboolture Alamo Disaster
Readers may recall the escape of Admiral Davis who left in the Caboolture Z-boat S.S. "Bup" in the heat of the battle. His last words were "You can trust me lads, I’m off to Maroochydore to collect Captain Chadwick and her tambourine to assist us. Don’t call me…I’ll call you. I may be some time". At such devotion to duty, his companions stood at half mast to farewell him on his valiant quest.
Alas! ‘Twas all in vain. Despite his brilliance in re-naming his craft "Hammer of Beachmere" he was ambushed as he passed under the Bribie Bridge. The ill-fated craft was bombarded with obsolete vacancy cards and quickly sank, with the loss of all hands, including Helga Deutschlander, his able-bodied crewperson.
As he slowly sank beneath the waves, Admiral Davis was seen completing his flex sheet.
He was an inspiration to us all.
From the official Court-Martial Report on the battle :
REPORT INTO THE CONDUCT OF CAPTAIN CHADWICK
I have investigated the Caboolture Incident and have considered the evidence set before me.
I find that:
Your conduct, or lack thereof, on that occasion was an affront to all the norms of civilised behaviour, the Geneva Convention, and the principles of germ warfare. In addition it was very naughty.
I have no doubt that the presence of yourself and your tambourine at Caboolture would have "smoothed the pillow" of that doomed company, and would have struck terror into the hearts of the assailants.
You also contributed to the loss of a Z-boat and of my late husband’s dear friend Admiral Davis (deceased).
Therefore:
By the powers vested in me under the Traffic Act, I have deemed you, by your incompetence to have fulfilled all the selection criteria for the position of Chaplain-General, and award you instant promotion to that position without need of advertisement, application or interview.
Your new responsibilities will include playing your tambourine during Breach Interviews to impress clients with the gravity of their situation.
Should you wish to appeal against your promotion, please send me $5 in small denominations in the enclosed envelope.
God Save the King!
Signed…..The Provost-Marshall,
Mrs Mavis E. Cooper.
As you are no doubt aware, the Caboolture Depot was over-run on the morning of Easter Thursday. Sadly, together with Mrs Peters, I was an unfortunate ear-witness to the tragedy from the Lodge, here on Beerburrum Hill. As was our wont, Mrs Peters and I were gathered around our crystal set waiting for the washing to dry, when we heard the dying wail of a Caboolture number button. The heart-rending cries of the doomed defenders was an unforgettable sight – and not a tambourine to be heard!
It is now my solemn duty to inform you, that, as a consequence, I have conferred with his Excellency the Governor-General, and as a result, we are now therefore in a State of War with the aforementioned.
I know that you will join with me, and with Mrs Peters who is now not known at this address, in congratulating Chaplain-General Chadwick on her promotion and wishing her every success with her appeal. May God bless her and all who sail in her, as the late Admiral Davis once said.
Let me assure you that no rock will be left upturned in our pursuit of the perpetrators of this heinous deed. I have engaged the services of a well-known tambouriniste to ensure the success of this undertaking.
In this our darkest hour
We must all resolve
That by our thoughts and deeds
In the difficult times to follow
We shall do nothing
That would dishonour the memory
Of those brave defenders
Of our rights to:
flextime
button-yodelling, and
the completion of Performance Indicator sheets.
GOODBYE!
A MESSAGE FROM
HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN
To our loyal subjects in Orstralia, and especially the gels and boys of Caboolteur :
Dear Subjects,
Our husband and Ah have been informed by your Praim Minister, a chap called Peters, of the recent sad events in the corlony.
Our hearts go out to you in your hour of need. To this end, we have dispatched to you by return mail, One’s verra own Z-boat the HMS Britannia, to be stationed at Mr Monty’s Marina, Postcode 4510.
One of our spare Princes will also be sent to replace that fellow Davis
and his screw crew.
We are ever maindful of the valiant contribution made by Orstralia in the defence of the Empire. We trust that you will therefore pay all our expenses promptly. Envelopes addressed to One’s self are enclosed for your convenience. One notes that subsidies are available for one’s staff and One urges you to make the utmost use of your boundless generosity.
One extends to you One’s best wishes for One’s coming birthday.
One’s humble Servant and Benefactrix,
E.
This bizarre document, unearthed by our tireless Cub Reporter Damien Pilger, sheds new light upon the apparent dereliction of duty by Captain Chadwick during the Caboolture Incident. It shows that our illustrious Captain was diverted at a critical phase during the battle to a trivial encounter at the Big Parrot. The fact that this Order was not presented as evidence during the Court Martial lends credence to a popular conspiracy theory that imputes sinister motives by DEET High Command concerning the Fall of QCAB. It may also account for the curious, although not necessarily uncommon, procedures used to promote the said Captain.
Battle Orders to Captain ChadwickTo: Captain Chadwick
Platoon Commander
Maroochydore CES Band
25th December 1998.
You are hereby commanded to report with full combat gear and all appurtenances and regalia as befits your rank and position (n.b. INCLUDING bonnet, tambourine and songbook) to the Warana Tabernacle to await further orders.
You will mount a full-scale frontal attack upon wayward youth lurking near the Big Parrot at Kawana Waters (grid reference 001864.151200), who are believed to be armed with roller blades and reversed caps.
You and your choir (oops troops!) are expected to conduct the affray with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, tambourines a-jangle and accordions at full throttle.
Our Vice-Marshal expects every person to do his (her) duty.
God Save the King (Queen)!
May the Lord have Mercy on their souls.
Signed: Brigadier Cooper.
P.S. We’ll be having the usual de-briefing bash afterwards, and we’d again like you to bring your telescopic ruler. Both Mrs Cooper and I were flabbergasted, codswalloped and astounded at the lengths to which some of our more colourful members will go to "measure up" so to speak. Mrs Cooper has not seen the like of it since her Tupperware days.
"The Fall of QCAB" Private Davis is mentioned for his heroic efforts to obtain a CES Id number from a client who had also forgotten his name. He devised a wily stratagem whereby he requested a 501 Report (a list of all clients in alphabetical order) and commenced a five week interview including Anzac Day, Easter and Labour Day, calling out each name to elicit a response. When he reached the last entry, he exclaimed triumphantly "Egad, sir, at last I have you! You are Xavier Zyxstra, a xylophonist from Zaire, on a Z11 approved activity, and if you will allow me, I shall extract this card from your left ear, which I have had my eye on for some time. And yes – I am proved right!"
Unfortunately, the client had passed away in the third week of the interview due to lack of sustenance. Private Davis was able to confirm this by the client's inactivation code, but was unable to advise his client that he really should have directed his initial enquiries to the Department of Social Security.
Private Davis is mentioned for conspicuous gallantry and initiative as well as his imperviousness to prolonged nasal attack. His quick thinking, keen powers of observation and deductive reasoning abilities were an inspiration to the battalion.
Trooper Coghill is mentioned for his unstinting services in ministering to the more elemental instincts of the weaker gender. Day after weary day he could be seen plying his ancient craft, as his strength allowed, and dutifully beckoning in equitably administered sequence his relentlessly pressing throng of eager clients. From his care-worn visage, sad yet kind and infinitely patient eyes peered out upon the gargantuan labours that had been set before him.
Yet not a word of complaint would fall from the pallid lips of this heroic officer as he toiled away at his trade with little concession to the conveniences of the modern world or indeed even to the rudimentary artifacts of a standard CES office fitout.
A rare visit to his booth would reveal a tastefully wrought grotto, furnished with those necessary tools and appurtenances refined through centuries of tradition within his noble and self-effacing calling.
His uniform, consisting of his colourful robe embellished with those symbols appropriate to his craft and bedecked with medallions and ribbons rightfully earned in hard-fought campaigns of yore, together with his sash and large leather buckle, and his hempen sandals and finely-scrolled yet functional headpiece, could not but fail to inspire confidence and trust in his devoted clientele as well as awe-struck admiration in the casual observer.
Occasionally he could be seen in the dim twilight wending his way wearily homeward, hefting his creaking barrow laden with those vital appendages upon which only the initiated dare gaze. But never had he been espied returning to his workplace in the mornings. One can only assume that he would arrive in the pre-dawn gloom to attend to the meticulous procedures and ceremonies required to prepare himself for yet another day's onerous duties.
For unswerving devotion to duty, Trooper Coghill is hereby awarded the Order of the Swinging Blue Pendulum (with Ribbon).
Captain Chadwick is mentioned for unswerving devotion to telecommunications duties despite the onslaught of hordes of clients, and womanning her poat unfazed by the surrounding turmoil.
Furthermore, she was able to assist her more senile comrades by monitoring their button-pushing duties. Her alertness and counselling of such staff was an inspiration to the entire regiment.
Captain Chadwick is therefore recommended to receive the Telstra Frequent Flyer Award.
Signed : Brigadier Mavis Cooper RACQ MBF.
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